


rey is away

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: 2000s, Anxiety Disorder, Bisexual Male Character, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack and Angst, Crying, Depression, Emotional Baggage, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hipsters, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied Poe Dameron/Finn, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internet, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Memes, Mental Health Issues, Rey Kenobi, Rey Needs A Hug, Sad, Slow Burn, Tags May Change, Teenage Drama, Teenagers, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-04-05 05:21:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14037072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: On the winter break of school, 2006, Rey Kenobi followed Ben Solo on MySpace.  He doesn't expect to even be able to hold a conversation with her but he does, and then she gives him her aol information.





	1. i prefer to be called scene

**Author's Note:**

  * For [violethoure666](https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/gifts), [Weatherbug02](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weatherbug02/gifts).



> This is a flaming dumpster fire lmao I was six when myspace and aol was a thing sooooooo forgive for any inaccuracies

**December 2006**

 

Ben Solo was the typical shitty teenager. He hated his parents and he hated everyone around him, but there were more reasons behind it than just  _ puberty.  _ The only reprieve from everything he had was the computer that he’d bought from his shift money. 

 

He had just found out about Myspace a week prior, he’d made a profile out of boredom, even though he barely had anything on it. A few angsty lyrics and one or two pictures. He wasn’t expecting to get notifications when he logged in. 

 

**_rey_kay followed you_ **

 

Ben blinked for a second, not knowing exactly how to process this. He clicked on the account. Sure enough, that was Rey Kenobi’s account. It was a custom theme, the background this pale peachy color. She had some lyrics from the Arctic Monkeys, and a few lyrics from some other hipster bands that Ben had never heard of. He didn’t know why she was following him.

 

Rey was the girl in school that was moderately popular, the kind of popular girl that was  _ actually nice  _ and that brought down her popularity ever so slightly. He’d never talked to her.  _ Why was she following him?  _

 

He had this weird feeling in his stomach as he stared at the computer. He had nothing better to do, he followed her back and clicked message. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Hey _

 

He waited for a minute. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Heey :3 _

 

She actually responded. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ You’re ben right ? _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeah _

 

God he was so fucking awkward. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Oh good ! I asked phasma for your account :p kinda wasn’t sure i got the user right _

 

Why would she do that? 

  
  


_ This is probs weeeirddd _

 

_ I just thought that id get to know you bc we never talk in schooll but we’re in all the same classes _

 

They were? Holy shit they were. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Oh _

 

_ Well. . . _

 

_ I'm not very interesting haha _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Come on, Ben dont say that lol _

 

_ You have a cool taste in music _

 

***

 

Rey was lying when she said she liked his taste in music. Everything was too loud. Well, everything except the Arctic Monkeys. She liked them. That was probably about the only thing that they had in common. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Thanks _

 

In all reality, Rey had meaning to talk to Ben for a while. He was the quiet kid in class and Rey liked him. She really did. Even with the fringe that was long enough to cover his eyes, she thought he was cute. It wasn’t until now that she finally had the courage to talk to him. 

 

He probably didn’t like her. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ So… _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Are you going to warped tour _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ No! I wish I was _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ I really want to go this year too, its always here and ive never been to a concert _

 

_ I just want to go to say i went _

 

_ Lol thats prbly so stupid sorry lmao _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Noo lol i g3t that _

  
  


_ Esp if you’ve never been to a concert _

 

Rey smiled a little, trying to think of other ways to keep the conversation going.

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ So tell me smth about urself ;)))))) _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ My favorite color is red _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Minesss green  _

 

_ Oh u kno Miss Netal _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeh _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ She gave me an F on a test for doodling _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Shes sucha bitch _

 

_ She told me once I have the math skills of a 2nd grader _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Maaaybe wed be passinng if the math made sense  _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Exactly XD _

 

The conversation went on for a while, Radiohead playing from Rey’s dusty radio. She got to know the basics of Ben and she liked that. 

 

After a while her nerves calmed and they had a sort of normal, semi-awkward conversation after that. 

***

 

It was getting late that night. 

 

Somewhere around eleven o’clock, Rey logged off. But she also gave him her aol, and told him she answered that just as frequently as her MySpace. 

 

He didn’t know why he went to find her on aol chat room as well. He did though. 

 

**_rey is away_ **

  
  


He didn’t know why seeing that made him a little sad, but it did. Still, he messaged her for later. 

 

**_Ben_ **

 

_ Hey why do you have everything in lower case for your usernames? _

 

_ Lol jkjk _

 

God, sometimes he felt so weird. He wasn’t quite sure why he was doing anything. He logged off and started blaring Yellowcard. He knew he was going to piss off his parents, it was eleven o’clock. He didn’t care though. 

 

***

 

**New Years**

  
  


Rey and Ben had been talking over MySpace on the break, Ben shared some quotes from movies he liked and Rey would ask him for advice on things. Little things really, sometimes it had to do with guys and Ben wanted to die a little on the inside because he wasn’t the normal type of guy and didn’t know if the advice he was giving her was good or not. She seemed to think that it was though. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Im fuckin hungry _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Go get somethin to eat _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ I want a burger _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ ah lmao _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ So i think im gonna sign off for now okay??? _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeah  _

 

_ See ya rey _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ See ya Ben _

 

Ben found himself missing her conversation whenever she signed off, which he found to be a little bit pathetic of himself, but it was true. He never even had courage to talk to her in person, but when he could talk to her it was like his problems didn’t exist. Which he liked. 

 

He didn’t have to think about the shouting that was going on in the room over or the fact that literally everyone hated him. He could think about stupid stuff like music and movies and shit things like that.

 

Rey was on later that night.

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ I think i had an existential crisis when i went to Starbucks _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ i have existential crises everywhereee _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Lmaoo emo much _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Scuse me im scene _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ there's a diff? _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Im just fuckin with u tbh idc _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Lmao ok _

 

_ Well so I was staring at my chai latte _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Lmao hipster much _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ I prefer connoisseur of the authentic _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Uh huh _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Ok so annnyyway before i was so rudely interrupted lmao _

 

_ I was staring at my chai tea latte,  _

 

_ Thru the lil drinky hole thing _

 

_ And i was like _

 

_ WhAaAaaT AmMm I DoIng Im bAsIcally just a meat bag in a skin sack yk? _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Lmao yeah i get that _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Lol i thought someone had put acid in my latte _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ :) glad its not just mmee _

  
  


**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeah _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Fuck the website is lagginf _

 

_ Switch over to aol rl quick ? _

 

He did. 

 

**_rey_ **

  
  


_ Anyway I wanted to say that we need to hang out like...irl _

_ Realsoon _

 

_ But im sooper busy  _

 

_ Soooooooooooo _

 

_ Idk _

 

_ Anyway sorry _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Lol it fine _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Yeah listen my friends and I are going out to party and i totally fuckin forgot. _

 

_ So _

 

_ See ya?? _

 

Ben bit his lip. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeah  _

 

_ See ya _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ XOxO _

 

_ Baaaii uwu _

 

**_rey has signed out._ **

**_rey is away_ **


	2. Is Panic! at the Disco emo culture ?????

**January 14, 2007**

 

Rey Kenobi knew that she was often too self conscious about her appearance, her behavior, and she often cared too much about what other people thought of her. It was what being in the foster system often did to a person, it fucked them up in some way that they wouldn’t have been fucked up if they’d had actual parents. Now she was freaking out about having something to wear. It was such a stupid, stupid thing to do in her mind, but over break she and Ben had been talking nonstop and she really wanted to look good when she went back to school. Flirting went over his head in IMs so maybe, just maybe if she did it in person he would understand. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Hey  _

 

_ This is probably weird idk if you’re up _

 

Rey was up. She’d been up for two hours.  _ Fuck she’d been up since three.  _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Ya _

 

_ I am <3 _

 

_ what up _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Idk my parents are downstairs fighting _

 

_ Just can’t sleep _

 

Shit. Rey had to think a second before figuring out what to say. She knew what guardians shouting at each other could do to someone’s sleep schedule.

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Sorry man _

 

_ Hey at least school is soon so you can get away from them _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ yeah  _

 

_ I guess _

 

She could talk to Ben in person, make him feel better. They always had the same classes anyways, and the same lunches. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ I have a question for you, emo _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ This is scene erasure _

 

Rey snorted. His sense of humour only made him cuter. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ This ginger guy told me panic at the disco wasn’t real emo culture _

 

_ Idk what that means _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Oh u mean hux _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Yeah he was at a party i went to and kept  tellling me britney spears wasnt real music _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Hux is an emo hipster  _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ There’s crossbreeds ??? _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeh lmao we are a diverse race _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Wait i thot u were scene _

 

_ Ru fake scene _

 

_ Aaah illuminati _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ You’re weird for a popular girl _

 

Rey paused. What was that supposed to mean? She felt a little sick for a second before Ben sent a message. 

 

_ I meant that in a good way _

 

_ Like you’re actually nice and funny and most popular girls aren’t that _

 

Oh. Rey felt her heart slow down and then quicken up again for an entirely different reason. Was he trying to flirt? Or did he just not get what he was doing? He probably didn’t get what he was doing. Rey got up from her computer and got ready, applying some chapstick before she sat back down at her computer. 

 

_ Shit sorry if that was rude _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ It’s ok dude  _

 

_ Ws getting ready _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Oh ok  _

 

_ But school is 2 hours from now _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Yeahhh i know it’s just a habit _

 

Getting up early was a habit at nearly all of the foster homes that Rey had been to, these people were more lenient about her getting up when she wanted, generally they were more lenient about everything, but it always stuck with her. Including some other habits that weren’t as positive as the others. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Weird habit _

 

_ Tbh if i could i would sleep thru school _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Me too but my mind is constantly screaming “aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah” at me _

 

_ I gotta do shit to ignore it _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ I get that _

 

_ Thanks for giving me shit to do btw _

 

_ So i can ignore my parents _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Any time !!!  _

 

_ I like talking to you anyway you’re p cool  _

 

Rey wished that she could read minds. She just wanted to know if Ben liked her. Who knew, he probably didn’t. She wouldn’t blame him either. She could be really annoying. Oh well, she would see him at school. She could try to find out more then. 

***

If Ben could change something about himself, he would be a completely different person. He would look different, have a different face, be good at talking to people, he would be able to do things like normal people did. Ben started wishing this especially hard when he went back to school. He was honestly too tired to deal with anyone today, so he stuck to the tactic of being invisible. He did his work but he didn’t speak, he didn’t even look at anyone else in the hallway. And then Rey tried to talk to him at lunch. 

 

He didn’t know what to do, he just sort of froze up. “Hey,” She had a single cookie with her, “thought I might find you out here.” He squirmed uncomfortably, at the time he didn’t think it would be rude. “Is it okay if I eat out here with you?” He hadn’t even said anything to her when he got up from the bench and left. Ben spent the next few hours just avoiding her gaze, and hating himself even more than he already did. When he got home, he went through the back door, knowing neither of his parents would hear him that way, and went up to his room locking the door behind him. 

 

He logged on MySpace. He was on a lot more these days than he used to be. Rey posted something new. Several new things actually. 

 

_ why does the guy i like not like me? am i just not good enough?  _

 

Oh god. Someone was a dick to her. He wondered who. 

 

_ i’m chasing after you, steadily losing ground _

__ _ i don’t wanna forget so i’m writing it down ~ Longer that I’m Out Here by Kevin Devine  _

 

There was a picture of a rainy window attached as well. Concerned, Ben clicked message. Fuck, sometimes it took so fucking long to load. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Hey you okay??? _

 

There was a several minute delay before Rey responded and Leia knocked on Ben’s door. “Honey, have you eaten?” She asked. 

 

“Yeah, mom.” He didn’t really remember the last time he ate. He didn’t want to either. “I’m just doing homework right now, okay?” 

 

“Okay, sweetie.” He rolled his eyes and looked back towards the computer. “Listen, I know that it’s been hectic recently but I just want you to know that your dad and I haven’t forgotten you okay?” That nearly made him gag.

 

“Sure, mom.” He said. He just wanted her to go away, and more importantly, for Rey to answer. When he heard footsteps going back down the stairs, he put on some music and waited. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Yea <3  _

 

_ Srry guess im being dramatic _

 

_ Im just dumb _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ No you’re not  _

 

She wasn’t. She was second on the A Honor Roll at school. 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ I dont know _

 

_ Its stupid to be aalll sad over guys ;--;  _

 

_ But i’ve liked this guy for awhile and he won’t even talk to me _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ That sucks _

 

_ Hess an asshole _

 

There was a long moment where Rey didn’t answer. He hoped that she was okay, but he didn’t rush her to answer earlier. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ I wouldnt say that _

 

That was a weird thing to say considering whatever dude this was was a dick to her. 

 

_ Idk i just dont know what to do  _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ well I think he’s an asshole _

 

_ esp if he doesn’t like u  _

 

_ Since ur like.. .so nice _

 

He almost typed pretty but caught himself. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Yeh _

 

_ “Nice”  _

_ Listen im just bitching im gonna go get drunk i’ll be on later _

 

Before he could bid her farewell, she signed off. 

***

 

Rey was planning on getting drunk when she went over to Poe’s house party that night, but she found something so much better. Finn and Rose were smoking joints in the backyard and Rey joined them. She sat down next to Rose, her radio blaring  _ Nsync.  _ Rey cringed. “Your taste in music is awful.” She told Rose. 

 

“I picked that,” Finn said. The both of them snorted, and Rey passed her joint to Rey. 

 

“You look like shit.” Rose said. Rey looked down at herself, she thought that she’d cleaned herself nicely. “No not your clothes, your aura.”

 

“My aura?” Rey took a long drag. 

 

“Boy troubles?” She nearly choked before she exhaled. “Boy troubles.” This only confirmed it to Finn, who fucking read her mind all the time. “Is it that one emo guy you randomly started crushing on?” She hadn’t randomly started crushing on him. She’d thought it was cute ever since she moved in with her foster parents two years ago. Now they were seniors and she finally got the courage to talk to him. 

 

“Yeah,” She passed the joint back to Rose. 

 

“Shit,” He said. “What did he do?”

 

“I tried to talk to him at lunch and he practically ran away from me.” she ranted about him for a good fifteen minutes, occasionally breaking to smoke. Finally, when she was done, Finn offered her advise. He would know since he was the bi guy of the group. 

 

“Honey, some guys out here in North Carolina are really fucking repressed when it comes to feelings and  _ sexuality. _ ” 

“Poe.” Rose coughed. 

 

“I think I would just be patient with him.” Finn was really high. She could tell. “Honestly I can’t fucking stand the guy but be patient with him. He’ll come around. Plus, he probably likes you but is too stupid to know that he likes you.” Rey nodded. She hoped so. She was going to go back and talk to him tonight. 

 

At the time, she hadn’t thought that talking to him high would’ve been as much as a problem as it should’ve been. She climbed up through her window because her foster parents weren’t home and she forgot her keys. Once she got in she fired up AIM. 

 

Of course, Ben was on. 

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Hey random question but why didnt you talk to me at lunch _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ oh _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Yoyu didn’t  talk to me all i wnated waas to give you sum of my cookie ;-; _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ sorry i just sort of freaked _

 

_ Like i told you i cant really function around people and i wasnt prepared sooo _

 

_ Im sorry  _

 

_ Really i am  _

 

Fuck. She had been mad at him before but now she couldn’t be. 

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Hey no need to be sorey _

 

_ I was just confused ??? _

 

_ But its okk _

 

_ Really i get it _

 

_ But maybe next time when i sit next to u can u at least like not run off?? _

 

_ Bcc i thought i did smth wrong  _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeah _

 

_ Sorry _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ … _

 

_ Its ok _

 

_ Just talk to me _

 

_ Pls _

 

    _ **rey signed out.**_

 

**_rey is away_ **


	3. its not a joke

 

**January 15, 2007**

 

    Ben made Rey a promise. He wasn’t going to run the next time she tried to talk to him, and he intended on keeping that promise. He didn’t really have actively seek her out, because the second that he stepped into first period, the girl ran straight into him, her arms flailing around his waist in a momentary hug before she broke off of him. He could feel himself starting to freeze again, but this time he couldn’t book it anywhere. It was a classroom. “Hey, Ben!” God, why was she so hyper? It was seven thirty in the the morning.

    “Hey, Rey.” There were people staring at them, a few sort of trying to suppress laughter. Ben started to feel his anxiety spiking. Was this a joke? Was she just doing this to be funny or because she lost a bet? Rey gave the prettiest smile as she asked him how he was that morning.

    “Okay, I guess.” He said. There was a pause, and then stumbling to return the question, he asked, “you?” _Great job._

    “I’m good.” She said. “Everything’s just good today.” He nodded.

    “Well, uh, I’m going to sit down.” She nodded and went back to her own seat, waving at him. The one thing about first period that Ben hated was the fact that he sat down next to Armitage Hux.

    “Wow, I guess Rey’s really getting desperate isn’t she.” Ben didn’t say anything. “Especially if she hugged you of all people.” Hux was one of Rey’s former boyfriends. They only lasted a week, but he always bragged about it anyways. “Or is this a prank?” Ben’s shoulders tensed. The bell rang. Hux had gotten what he wanted.

***

    After class, Rey started walking down the hallway with Ben. “I would ask you what class you’re going to but we literally have the same schedule this semester.” Ben nodded. He didn’t say anything. “Hello, earth to Ben.”

    “Why are you talking to me?” He blurted out. That was direct. _Fucking hell Ben._ “In public I mean, wouldn’t that hurt your popularity?”

    “Do you think I care?” She asked. _Yes. Yes I do._ Rey looked a little hurt when he hesitated. God, he was so awful. He stared at her, she adjusted one of the purple straps of her tank tops and stared at him.

    “Sorry, uh, no I guess it’s just… people don’t usually talk to me.” Rey went silent for a while, Rey didn’t say anything, and Ben didn’t blame her if she would’ve just walked away from him. He always killed the mood.

    “Well I’m talking to you now,” She said. “And I don’t plan on stopping because I think you’re really nice and funny.” Ben’s mind shorted out again, he didn’t know what to do. He just sort of mumbled a thank you under his breath. “Do we have that clear?”

    “Yeah,” He said as they went into math class. Ben could feel himself starting to blush, but Rey had already gone into the classroom so she didn’t see him. He was grateful for that. The rest of the class period was relatively peaceful, but then a note ended up on Ben’s desk. He expected it to be an insult, but then he opened it. The note was in this really girly cute script.

   

_have lunch with me ?_

_check yes ___

_check no___

_rey_

 

    There was a little drawing of a flower on it too. Shit. How could Ben let her down without being rude?  Then he really thought about it, yesterday when Rey had food with her she only had a cookie, she wouldn’t be offering anything that she had either. Maybe it would be okay. He checked yes, and when Rey got up to sharpen her pencil again, she grabbed the note off of his desk. He snuck a glance at her when he was done. She was smiling.

***

    Lunch was a weird experience for Rey, mainly because she was so used to sitting in the cafeteria, but Ben sat outside by the cherry trees. Rey grabbed a cookie and some apple sauce from the lunch line, none of the other food was ever even halfway edible, and walked outside to join him. Ben didn’t have any food. He never did. Rey just chalked it up to him protesting the food that they served in the cafeteria like Rey did. “Hey,” She sat down on the bench next to him.

    He still nearly jumped out of his skin, but at least he didn’t run again. She wasn’t sure that she could take that. Ben must’ve been really nervous because he stuttered when saying hi back. She gave him a smile as she sat down and he seemed to calm down at that. He was probably cringing internally, which she got. She just wished he wasn’t so nervous around her. “It’s nice out today,” She said, she opened the plastic wrapper on her cookie before continuing, “isn’t it?”

    “Yeah, I guess.” He said. “I prefer rain,”

    “Rain’s nice too.” She said. He nodded, and squirmed a little, but again he didn’t take off. “You look nervous.” She said, “You don’t have to be nervous around me,”

    “Sorry.”

    “You don’t have to say that.”

    “I’m not a good conversationalist,” She took a bite of her cookie. “I’m just stupid. I still don’t know why you’re talking to me.” The fact that he couldn’t just accept the fact that Rey wanted to get to know him tugged at Rey’s heart, because that was really all she wanted to do, she wanted to get to know him. _Because I’ve had a crush on you since the first day of sophomore year despite the fact that we’ve never talked._

    “You need to stop putting yourself down,” She offered him a bite and he shook his head no, “I don’t know why you’re so convinced that I don’t just want to be your friend.”

    “Paranoia.”

    “I guess.”

    ***

 

    What Ben really didn’t expect was for Rey to start walking home with him, her house was on the clear opposite side of town than his, and he knew that she didn’t drive. He didn’t get it. When he asked her she said, “Exercise is good!” In this happy sunny tone that Rey always had.

    He asked her, “Where does your English accent come from?”

    “I was originally from London,” She said. “Parents come over for work and they die five months later, I get put into the foster system but I kept the accent. A reminder of home I guess.” He kind of regretted asking. That was really sad.

    “I’m sorry,” he said.

She shook her head, hands on the sides of her backpack straps. “It’s okay,” She said, “The only thing about the foster system that I really hate is moving around so often. These people are the only people I’ve spent more than three months with before things go to shit. It just feels so alone, you know?”

He didn’t know what the foster system was like but he knew what it was like to be alone. “I know,” He said. He bit his lower lip for a second as they walked down the street. Now was usually when some of the football assholes came along and started harassing Ben from the other side of the street. He could see them. He started walking a little faster, but not so fast as to leave Rey behind. She turned, saw them, and waved.

“Hey Rey!” They called. “Looking good!” It was like none of them noticed that Ben was right next to her. They didn’t say a thing. He was safe.

“Thanks!” She called back. She turned her attention back to Ben. “Anyways, about being alone.” She took a deep breath in and said, “I hope you know that you uh, don’t deserve to be alone.” Ben had had just about enough of this. It was so confusing.

“Why are you doing this?”

“What do you mean?” Her eyes were wide, but unblinking. They stopped where they were walking.

“I mean pretending to be nice to me,” He asked. “Is this pity or some sort of joke?” He raised his voice. He didn’t mean to do that. Rey took a step back from him.

“Seriously, Ben? A joke, how would it be a joke?”

“Yeah, I’m serious. Did Phasma put you up to this? Or Hux?” That’s when Rey started crying. It was slow at first but tears pricked her face and started flowing down her face and her chin was all wobbly. Ben felt like he just kicked a puppy. “No, no, no. What are you doing? Why are you doing that? Fuck, I’m a shitty person. Stop that.” He awkwardly put his hand on her shoulder. He wasn’t good with physical comfort.

“Do  you really think that little of me?” She asked.

“Rey, I’m sorry. It was a dumb thing to say, please stop crying. It’s just, it’s happened before and you’re so-” He couldn’t finish that sentence. _Pretty. Smart. Kind. Out of his league. And not just girlfriend league, friendship league, acquaintance league. He shouldn’t even be breathing the same air as her._

“So what? Is this because I’m considered popular or what?”

“I’m sorry, fuck I’m a dumbass.” Rey looked down at the ground. “Listen, I’m sorry, I really am. I didn’t mean it.”

“Is it really so hard to believe that I just want to get to know you?” She said. Yes.

“I’m sorry.” She stood there, silent for a second. Ben thought she was going to bolt in the other direction but she stayed and they started walking again. They were silent for a while before Ben said, “They were right by the way.” She looked confused. “Those guys,” Ben elaborated, “they said you looked good and you do. You always do so yeah.”

He was shaking, Rey grabbed his hand to steady it and all he could hear in his head was a bunch of screams echoing through a cave. What was she doing? “You’re cute.” She said.

“Sure,”

“Why can’t you just accept a compliment?” She broke free of his hand. He fucked up again.

“I don’t know, it’s just no one’s told me that besides my mom when I was like, five. I doubt you  have that problem though.”

“No,” she said. “Believe it or not I have insecurities, I’m not like some sort of brunette Elle Woods or anything. Everyone should hear that they’re beautiful though.”

“I guess it matters who’s saying it.”

“Oh,” Rey said. “So does it not matter coming from me?”

***

Ben was a dumbass. He was a confirmed dumbass and he regretted everything ever. He found himself sitting in bed regretting every conversation he’d had with Rey in real life before heading to MySpace. She wasn’t on, but she posted an hour ago about how the guy she liked brushed her off when she tried to compliment him. He sounded like a dick. Ben fired up AIM. He always cringed at the dial up sound. She was online.

For a second Ben delayed talking to her. He clicked on her away messages instead. She had some poem about how no one really saw her on it,  and then under it a song lyric, from the song that she had posted on MySpace with the picture of a rainy window. She must really like that song.

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_Hey_

 

**_rey_ **

 

_Hey_

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_You okay_

 

**_rey_ **

 

_No_

    Shit. Ben was about to ask her if she wanted to talk about it, he could listen to her here and give her shitty advice, he could at least try and make her feel better and make her laugh. He wanted to make her feel better, but before he could he lost his chance.

 

    **_rey signed out_ **

**** **_rey is away_ **

 

***

**January 20, 2007**

 

    Connection with Rey had been spotty for the last few days, they would have short conversations on MySpace or AIM but for the most part she said that she was studying. She was always studying. Ben had nothing to do but blare music when his parents were insulting each other. They never seemed to care about him either, they were still too busy going back and forth and not accepting the fact that they just needed to divorce and get over it.

 

    He logged into MySpace. Rey was online. He messaged her.

 

    **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

 **** _Hey i know you’re probably busy but I need you right now_

 

    It took less than a minute for Rey to answer.

 

    **_rey_ **

**** _Im here_


	4. are you uncomfortable

**January 15, 2007**

 

When Ben walked inside, he expected his parents to be distracted but for once, they actually weren’t fighting. “Hey, kid.” Han said. Ben didn’t answer him. “How was school?” 

“More of the usual.” Ben always gave the same vague answer. He didn’t have any other to give. Leia was in the kitchen, chopping something up in the kitchen. She came out of the kitchen and gave Ben an involuntary hug. Ben felt like he was tripping on acid. She never did that anymore. 

“Are you sure about that?” Ben was going to drop his backpack downstairs but decided against it. “What do you mean?” 

“There was a girl out in the driveway with you when you came home. Why didn’t you invite her in?” Ben sort of stood there, horrified. Like they didn’t really know why he didn’t invite her inside. 

“I have to go study.” He said.

***

**January 20, 2007**

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

__

__ _ Hey i know you’re probably really busy but i need you right now _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

****

**** _ Im here _

 

__ _ Whats up  _

 

__ _ U ok? _

 

__ He wasn’t. He really wasn’t. Everything was too loud and he had put all of his sharp things away because he was trying, trying so hard not to use them, it was weak, but he was tempted to do it right now. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ They’re fighting again _

 

__ _ I can hear them over my music _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ Shit _

 

__ _ Im sorry _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Its not your fault _

 

__ _ God i just wish they’d get a divorce _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ Do you need a distraction _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Pls _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ What do you want to talk about ? _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Anything really idk _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Okay well  _

 

_ Do you want to meet up somewhere ? _

 

Ben kind of did. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Yeah i need to get out of here _

  
  


**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Meet me @ the park near the elementary school _

 

***

 

**January 20, 2007**

 

Ben met with Rey, even though he didn’t know why. She was smiling, wearing just a tank top and some short shorts that showed off her legs.  _ Fuck.  _

 

Ben wondered how come she always looked so happy. Magic, he supposed. She practically shot up off the bench she was waiting on to get to him. At some point, Ben was sure that she realized that she was going a little too fast because she skidded to a halt and nearly ran straight into him. “Hi,” she said. She was so wide eyed every time she was around him. Ben wondered why.

 

“Hey,” She was catching her breath and painting and he was kind of dying because of all the black he was wearing in the heat, but also because of how cute she looked constantly. “Thanks for meeting me.” She nodded. 

 

“I thought that maybe we could just walk somewhere quiet.” It was sunny and the heat was pouring down on the both of them, which was weird because it usually so fucking cold around this time. Ben nodded and the both of them started walking. Ben was sure that Rey was going to bring up his parents again but she didn’t. “So,” she said, “how are you not dying in all that black?”Ben almost laughed. 

 

“Magic,”

 

“Okay, Gandalf.”

 

“Gandalf wore white.” 

 

“You know what I mean.” she giggled. Ben found himself staring at her in awe. Most girls usually acted grossed out by Lord of the Rings references, and he never knew why, but Rey made a Lord of The Rings reference.  _ How was she popular again? Oh yeah, because she’s nice and pretty and too good for you.  _

 

They walked for a while and Rey talked about nothing and Ben added in a few things but he really wasn’t good at conversation. She quieted down after a while and then Ben asked, “You okay?”

 

“Yeah,” she said. “I’m sorry am I annoying you?” 

 

“No?” He was confused. “Why?”

 

“Nothing,” She said. She stopped talking for a while, and then sighed. “It’s just I feel like I’m rambling and not letting you talk and you’re just really quiet.”

 

“You’re not annoying me.” He said. “I’m just bad at conversation,” He scratched the back of his head nervously. It was weird, being out when birds were chirping and the sun was shining and there was bugs everywhere. Rey seemed unbothered by it but she went out into the sun and normally Ben didn’t. “I like listening to you talk.” He told her. “Your voice is pretty.” Rey bit her lip, blushing awkwardly as they walked.

 

She always looked so cute, god what was she doing hanging out with him? Ben wondered if the social suicide that usually happened to people that had been around him already started happening to her. He wondered if she cared. “I like your voice too.” She said. He could feel a blush starting to creep across his face. “I think you’re pretty cool.” There it was. 

 

It was such a simple comment but Ben nearly died. When he blushed, he blushed hard, and it fucking hurt. He sort of looked away from Rey, hoping she wouldn’t notice. He was pretty sure she did, but was gracious enough to say nothing about it.

 

Once they had made it back around from the trail and back to the park, Ben was sort of dying from being so hot, but he didn’t show it. He sat down next to Rey on a bench and they just sorta stayed there like for a few minutes. “Why don’t you roll your sleeves up?” She asked. He shook his head no. 

 

“Ben, you look really hot I don’t want you to get sick.”

 

“I’m fine.” 

 

***

 

Ben must have thought that she was going to try and roll his sleeves up because he started fidgeting with them. It didn’t take long to figure out why he didn’t want to roll up his sleeves, and it didn’t take Rey long to feel immense sadness after that. 

 

It wasn’t surprising in the slightest, when Rey looked at Ben she could see sadness that had the potential to destroy him, but it still didn’t make it better when he basically confirmed her suspicions. She didn’t say anything about it for the longest time, thinking about what the right course of action was. When they walked to the water fountain and got drinks Rey said, “I just want you to know that you’re not alone.” She said. He didn’t say anything, but he nodded. She hoped he knew that. 

 

Maybe at one point, he would believe it if he didn’t believe it. Maybe if Rey was good enough for him, maybe if she was happy and was there for him, he wouldn't harm himself. Maybe she could fix this one thing and keep it from happening again.

 

***

**January 22, 2007**

 

Ben was going to die. Rey had this habit of being overly affectionate with literally everyone and it was bad, it was really bad. She was sitting on his lap  _ in class.  _ People were looking at her like she was insane but she was carrying on a normal conversation with one of the football players in the next seat. 

 

“What’s a matter Ben?” Hux hissed in his ear. “Are you uncomfortable?” Rey heard that. She turned, still in his lap, squirming and rubbing against his dick. 

 

_ Fuck, fuck, fuck. Think about dead puppies.  _ He almost didn’t see Rey slap Hux, but she did. He heard a small pop and saw Hux holding his cheek. “Don’t be a fuckstick.” That was a new one. She squirmed again to turn back to the football player but the bell ring. 

 

“Miss Kenobi, sit in your seat please.” 

 

“I have one.” She said.

 

“Miss Kenobi,” Miss Kanata repeated. 

 

“Rose is sitting in my seat, so I’m just sitting here.”

 

“Sit somewhere else.”

 

“But-” she just glared at her and Rey moved to another seat, relieving Ben enough so he could breathe again. 

 

***

 

**January 24, 2007**

 

Ben was always online when Rey was online. It was a habit, and he could also hold a better conversation. 

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Hey _

 

_ You should go to a movie with me _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ No _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Whyy??????? _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Im not good @hanging out with ppl _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Well u dont talk @ movies soooo _

 

_ PplLeEEEAassE _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Whats the movie _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Paranormal Activity _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Ok @ least its not a romcom _

 

_ ….. _

 

_ Hmmmmmmm _

 

_ Maybe _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ YAY _

 

_ Okay i gotta sleep now _

__

_ But c u 2morrow _

**_rey has signed out._ **

**_rey is away_ **


	5. shameless movie watching to have an excuse to touch someone

**January** **23, 2007**

 

Ben found himself sort of panicking before the movie, he didn’t what to do, and at one point, he started to think about what would happen if rey tried to offer him food. It was pathetic, really. Ben remembered what his father said to him when he tried to talk about not liking eating around other people, not liking eating in general, and needing help.  _ “You’ll get over it.”  _

The dismissal of his problems was enough to convince Ben not to tell his mother about it, and Han seemed to be so entrenched in work that he forgot to mention it to Leia. 

He had to take a moment to breathe, to remember that this was Rey. Amazing, nonjudgmental, beautiful Rey. She wasn’t going to judge him for something as simple as refusing snacks or something like that. Or would she? Ben started blaring Green Day as he was getting dressed. 

He usually applied eyeliner, but considered skipping this step today. Han always bitched and complained about him wearing makeup. He really didn’t want that today. But then he remembered that he was at work today and wouldn’t be downstairs when he went out. Plus sometimes it just made him feel better, so he applied some. He grabbed his wallet and headed out the door. “Hey, sweetie.” His mother always greeted him in the same cheery tone even though she knew that he hated it. 

“Hey,” 

“Want something to eat?” It was almost noon. 

“No,” 

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m going out,” 

“Where?” So many questions. That was unusual. 

“The movies.” He said. There was a knock at the door. “Don’t answer it.” He told her. She eyed him and Ben went to open it. Rey stood there in a summer yellow dress and a greenish looking hoodie. 

“Are you ready?” She asked. Ben’s mind paused for a second.  _ Fuck, she was really pretty.  _

This gave Leia enough time to start walking over, “Oh, Ben. Is that the girl who walks home with you every day? Bring her in so she can say hi.” 

“Okay, that’s enough.” Ben closed the door behind him. “Sorry about that, let’s go.” Rey raised an eyebrow. She was amused. She didn’t say anything though. Rey had taken her friend’s car. Apparently she knew how to drive, but her guardians were constantly working or out and she didn’t have her own car. It was at least a twenty minute drive to the movies from Ben’s house, and he wasn’t sure exactly how to handle it. Rey didn’t put on the radio, she laughed and said that she didn’t like most of the music that was on it anyways. Ben had to agree with that. 

He didn’t know what else to talk about though, and he kept thinking about why Rey was hanging out with him. She had been so adamant that it wasn’t a joke, that she genuinely just wanted to get to know him, but why? No one did that. Ever. “What are you thinking about?” They turned a corner. 

“Huh, what?” 

Rey giggled. Her giggle was soft and cute but it wasn’t annoying like most of the girls at the high school. “I said, what are you thinking about?” 

“How bad of a conversationalist I am,” 

Rey hit a stoplight. “You don’t have to worry about that.” She told him. “Really you don’t.” 

“Yeah, you keep saying that.” 

“And you don’t believe me?” 

“Not really.” 

Rey rolled her eyes, “Ben, I’m not going to judge you if you say something stupid. Believe me, some of my friends have said some pretty dumb shit. It’s fine. I swear.” Rey could tell that he still wasn’t buying it. “Okay, fine. I’ll start by saying something completely nerdy and uncool that I do so we can be on the same level, okay?” Ben doubted that anything that she ever did would be considered uncool. 

“Okay.” 

“Good, okay. So sometimes when I’m home alone, and I’m feeling you know,  _ alone  _ I like to make up stories. Like sci-fi and fantasy stories and all that kind of stuff. I have notebooks and notebooks filled with different short stories that I’ve written and a few poems and stuff and I have a collection of Neil Gaiman books too.” 

“Do you like Sandman?”

“Yes,” She said. “The Sandman comics got me through some of the worst days of my previous foster home,” He stared at her in wonder. Again, she talked about the shit hand she was dealt and he had to wonder how she managed to be so happy when something so sad had happened to her. Something about that made Ben feel a little more comfortable. 

“I used to draw a lot,” He said, “Like little nonsensical comics and all that kind of stuff. It took my mind off things.” 

“But you stopped,” 

“Yeah.” He said. “For reasons,” He didn’t go anymore into it. “I think it’s cool that you write though. I saw some of the poems that you put on MySpace. I thought they were pretty good.” She beamed. 

“Thank you,” She said. “That means a lot coming from you.” 

***

Ben had insisted on buying the tickets. When Rey went to get concessions, Ben said that he would get a seat for the both of them in the theatre. “Okay, what do you want?” 

“Just a Sprite.” 

“No food?” 

“Nope.” She came back with two sprites and a box of Sno Caps. Rey wished that Ben didn’t look so tense in his seat. She gave him his sprite and he muttered a thanks under his breath. The ads for other movies started rolling. Usually Rey liked to laugh at how shitty some of the movies seemed, but she wasn’t sure Ben would like to do that, so she stayed silent. 

In all honesty, Rey really hated horror movies. She scared so easily but that made it an excuse to get closer to Ben, and lately Rey was becoming more desperate. She really wished that liking guys was easier, but it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. She had always been one to fall hard and each time she did it was a lot harder than the last time. 

This time had been the worst for her. It was still the worst for her. Every time she talked to Ben, whether it be in real life or on MySpace or AIM, she felt this pang of loneliness shoot through her. It was always worse at night time, after she signed off and crawled into bed. Her room was always lit up with a lamp that displayed stars all over the world because if it was dark, she was more likely to cover up, holding the teddy bear her first foster parent got her, and cry. 

There was always this overwhelming sense of loneliness that came with knowing that the people who live in the same house as you are not your real parents, and nothing about staying with them is permanent either. She hated it. She hated being lonely or sad or angry that she was put in this situation in the first place and no one wanted to take the time to adopt her, but she couldn’t. It was just so tiring. That’s why when she was around people she tried to be as happy as she possibly could, make other people smile so that they don’t have to go through the same feelings that she went through. 

Rey could hear Ben’s stomach growl a little. She handed her Sno Caps over to him. “I don’t want them,” 

“Just take some,” she told him. “We can get something more substantial later.” She didn’t look at him. She had a sneaking suspicion that he didn’t like eating in front of people. She heard the box rustle a little. He ate some and then handed the rest back to Rey. That was about the same time that the movie started to get scary, and Rey nearly jumped out of her skin. 

***

Rey was holding Ben’s hand really tight nearly the entire time the movie was going, and Ben started to wonder why she wanted to see this movie when she didn’t look like she was having fun in the slightest. She had her head buried in his shoulder for a while and Ben was glad it was too dark to see him blushing, again. Why was he like this? Rey must’ve seen him staring though, because she caught his eye. They stared at each other for a long, agonizing minute, and then Ben broke away, blushing again. 

***

Rey should’ve kissed him then.

***

When Rey and Ben were out of the theatre, Rey perked up so fast that it almost gave him whiplash. “That was fun!” She said. 

“Are you sure about that?” He said, “You were looking at my shoulder more than anything else.” 

“That was fun too,” She practically skipped out the entrance with Ben following close behind her. “So, what do you want to do now?” 

“You still want to hang out with me?” 

Rey slumped over. “Yes, Ben.” She said, “Stop being so down on yourself! Of course I want to hang out with you, so what do you want to do?” It was pretty clear to Rey that he wasn’t sure what he wanted to do, “We could go to the arcade, we could go bowling, we could get some lunch, what do you want to do?” 

“Maybe we could just walk around? I don’t know.” She nodded and they started walking around. For a while, neither of them spoke, and then she grabbed his hand again. “Why do you keep grabbing my hand?” he asked. 

“Do you not like it?” Rey frowned. 

“I didn’t say that,” He said. The both of them walked hand in hand together until they hit a Central Market. 

“We should get ice cream,” Rey said. 

“You can get some, I don’t want any.” She raised an eyebrow. 

“I’m not getting ice cream if you’re not getting ice cream.” 

“Fine,” Ben started walking into the store with her pulling him along. 

“Yay!”

***

**January 30, 2007**

 

After Ben and Rey hung out, Ben had gone back home and went straight to his room. His parents didn’t even try to ask him questions about Rey because they were too busy shouting at each other at some stupid shit his dad probably did. The next few days were spent with Ben confined to his room and going to classes. He would’ve lied if he had said that he didn’t like hanging out with Rey, he did. He really did. He liked it a lot. 

But there was something in Ben’s head that just hit him like a fucking truck and he couldn’t help it. He didn’t want to talk to anyone either. Rey seemed to not be doing well either. Her posts on MySpace got a little more,  _ depressing  _ than they usually were. 

 

_ why do the guys you actually want to go out with not like you?  _

 

_ When the guy you like ignores you for three days and you wonder if you did something wrong _

 

_ Some times I feel like I won't be happy until every one around me is happy and I know thats fucked up bc it'll never happen _

 

Ben clicked message. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ U ok??? _

 

_ Wtf did that guy do? _

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

_ Ben im high rn i dont want to talk about it _

 

**_rey_kay has signed out._ **

 

She was still online on AIM for some reason. He knew he probably shouldn't try and talk to her but he did. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_ Come on tell me what's wrong _

 

**_rey_ **

 

_ Im just lonely rn and like i said im high so _

 

_ Im gonna sign about before i say some stupid shit _

 

**_rey has signed out._ **

**_rey is away._ **

 

***

 

**February 2, 2007**

 

Ben had seen Rey making out with people in the hallway a lot of times, he had seen a lot of people making out with people in the hallway when he was getting to class, but he didn’t expect it to be her. He didn’t expect to see it and he didn’t know why it sort of hurt. Then he saw Rey’s face when she broke away. She didn’t like it. He saw who it was. Hux. Ben saw red, and started heading towards the two of them in the hallway. Hux was practically accosting Rey and no one was doing anything about it.

“Oh, look. It’s Columbine 2.0.” That insult didn’t make any sense. Ben didn’t own any trench coats but it still hurt. 

“Don’t be an asshole.” He told Hux, “Rey doesn’t want to go anywhere near you,” 

“Really?” Hux said, “She seemed pretty willing to kiss me a few minutes ago.” Rey looked shell shocked. “Are you jealous?” 

“What?”

“The both of you stop with your dick measuring match, class is about to start.” Rey said. 

“Are you just going to let him treat you like that?” Ben asked. Rey rolled her eyes and then turned to Hux, who was staring at her with this dull and creepy look in his eyes that Ben hated. With one sweeping motion, she yanked on his pants as hard she can, and they came falling down. The both of them headed to class. Luckily neither of them had history with him. The teacher had started talking about how they would be doing a group project for the next few weeks. 

Ben hated group projects. Mainly because it reminded him of how alone he was. 

Rey usually got paired up immediately, but this time he watched as she climbed over chairs to sit down right next to him. “Ben’s my partner!” She giggled. There it was. The same cheery disposition that she’d had before. He wondered how she got it back so fast after what happened in the hallway. She smiled at him but something felt...off. Like she was sad. That bugged him for the rest of the day.


	6. the weather in north carolina is once again bipolar, but this time rey doesnt mind it

Ben knew that getting paired with Rey would get him the best grade in the class, he knew that working with her would mean less of a stressful overload because he wouldn’t be doing all the work himself, he also knew that this group project would mean she’d have to come over, which he really didn’t want. “Oh, come on! It’ll be fun.” She didn’t get it.  _ He didn’t want her to witness his parents fighting first hand because it was fucking embarrassing.  _  “If you don’t want to though, you could come over to my place.” 

“That might be better,” He said. So they went over to Rey’s place to start the project after school. Rey’s house was bigger than Ben imagined, but sterile and uncolorful, nothing like Rey. The both of them walked in. It was already so much more quiet than Ben’s place, and he liked it, but that was about the only positive thing that he could say about it. It was big, quiet, and clean. “Are your parents not here?’ 

“They’re my guardians, and no,” She said, “they work as long as possible so they don’t have to come home and talk to me.” There was something so lonely about this house. There was no pictures of family on the walls, not even a picture of a dog or a diploma. He expected that when they got to Rey’s room it would change, that she would have posters or something but there was none of that. Rey had one bookshelf, and they didn’t even have books on them, they were filled with composition books. There was one box of comics, her dresser, and two trash bags filled with stuff. Her mattress was on the floor. She did have a desk, a chair, and her computer though. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Ben said. “I don’t know, just thought you’d have more stuff.” 

“Foster kids don’t really have a lot of stuff.” Rey sighed, going over to her desk and starting her computer.

“What?”

“You never know how long you’re going to stay somewhere. It might be two nights, it might be two years.” 

“Aren’t you going to age out soon?”

“I don’t age out of the foster system until I’m eighteen, Ben.”

“And how old are you?” 

“I turned seventeen Friday.”  _ Fuck.  _ Her birthday was last Friday and Ben didn’t even say happy birthday. 

“I didn’t know. Happy belated Birthday.” She smiled at him. He was standing there awkwardly in the corner of her room, not sure what to do. “So uh, are you going to move at some point?” He felt this spike of anxiety in his stomach when he thought about Rey moving away at one point or another.

“If they ever get tired of me. I’m sure they do it for the extra money, so… I’m not sure.” That didn’t help. “But we shouldn’t worry about that right now,” She perked up considerably after that, and left Ben wondering how she did that. “So group project, write a one page paper on Ancient Rome, or create a visual representation of the time with a one paragraph descriptor. What do you want to do?”

Rey and Ben ended doing a visual representation, and worked on it for hours that day. In reality, they probably spent thirty minutes actually working on it, because Rey insisted on spending her time rubbing up against him, giggling and just being  _ Rey.  _

At one point he’d gotten up to get some markers from her desk and found condoms instead. He was still burning from secondhand embarrassment from the conversation they had. He just sort of blurted out, “Is that a condom?”

“Yeah,” She said. 

“Oh,” For some reason he felt something kind of like jealousy when he thought of Rey having guys over here.

“It’s not mine.” She giggled. “I hold condoms for all my friends. Some of them are too embarrassed to buy them and others have shitty parents who’d kill their kids if they found out they had sex. I’m a virgin.” That was way more than Ben expected. The look in her eyes was way more than he expected. 

He started blushing again when he got home thinking about it. His mother was waiting up. Han was nowhere to be seen. “Where were you?” She asked. 

“Out.” Ben said. 

“You usually come straight home.” She said. “We were worried.” Ben’s hands balled into fists. 

“We or you?”

“Han went out to look for you. You better have a good explanation of where you were!”

“I was out doing a group project! I didn’t think it would be that big of a deal.” 

“Why?”

“Because you guys are too busy fighting that I thought you wouldn’t notice that I was gone!” Ben didn’t notice how loud he was shouting until Leia flinched. The door was starting to open. Ben booked it to his room and locked the door. He spent the next hour with Han yelling at him to open his fucking door. He didn’t. 

***

Rey saw new scars on Ben the next day when they sat together at lunch. The sky was grey and she brought their project with her, but she was slightly scared that it was going to rain now. 

He was about to roll down his sleeve when he realized it rose up a little when she asked, “Did you clean that properly?” 

He looked embarrassed for a minute before he said, “Yeah.” She nodded. “Long as it doesn’t get infected.” Ben looked more tired than usual. Rey gave Ben half of her orange. He didn’t object to it. The two of them stayed silent for the rest of lunch, but when they walked back inside, Ben said, 

“Thank you.” He told her, “For not freaking out on me about that stuff,” She nodded. She wanted to freak out about it, but she knew that it wouldn’t help. 

“Do I help?” She asked. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Do I make you happy? At least for a little while?” 

“Of course you do,” He said. “You’re the only friend I’ve ever had.” That stuck in Rey’s head for the longest time. 

The walk home to Ben’s house was easy for the first few minutes, and then it started pouring down rain. The both of them started booking it together. Neither of them had brought a raincoat or an umbrella, not that it would’ve helped much anyways. 

By the time Rey had made it into Ben’s house, she was sopping wet. Luckily Rey’s pencil case took the brunt of the damage, and not their project. She took her shoes off in the doorway, the inside of the house was fucking cold. “Ben? Is that you?” 

“Yeah, mom.” His mother came out of the living room. Ben put his hand on the small of her back and Rey nearly died. He was about to start guiding her up the stairs when his mother stopped him. 

“Oh who’s this?” Rey was shivering. She wasn’t paying that much attention to the house itself, but she jutted her hand out and smiled. 

“I’m Rey.” She said. “Ben’s friend. We were going to go work on our group project.” She shook Rey’s hand. Rey noticed that Ben was giving his mother a look like,  _ See, I told you so.  _

“Oh! Good. Jesus,  you must be so cold. There’s towels upstairs. Ben, go show her where the towels are.” Ben must’ve taken that as his chance to pull her up the stairs before his father could come and meet her too. He grabbed a towel for her and they walked into his room. Ben’s room was exactly what she would thought it would be. He had several posters for different bands, Yellowcard being one of them, Green Day, Panic! At the Disco, the Ramones, My Chemical Romance, and so many others that Rey didn’t recognize. 

He had two bookshelves filled with books, there was one whole row for just Neil Gaiman books, and some comics as well. He had a nice radio but a computer that looked like a dinosaur. She thought his room was pretty cool. She put her backpack down but didn’t sit on the bed. She was cold and wet and shivering. He threw a shirt, boxers, and a hoodie at her. “You can uh, borrow those and give me your wet clothes when you finish. I’ll put them in the dryer for you.” He stood there for a second, and Rey wondered if she was going to change in the same room as him. She wouldn’t mind doing that.  _ Especially if she could find out if Ben was interested.  _

 

He walked out of the room. Much to her disappoint him. Rey changed quickly, and then let Ben grab her stuff and hurry downstairs. He kind of hoped that he would notice the bra she was wearing. It was black and had lace on it and wasn’t comfortable in the slightest.  _ If his parents weren’t here I would take my thong off too.  _  Ben came back in to see Rey with his hoodie on, under his blanket, shivering. 

“I’m cold.” She said. 

“I can see that.” He was laughing. Rey stuck her tongue out at him. 

“Can I keep this hoodie?” 

“No.” He didn’t get it. Rey kind of wanted to scream at how much he didn’t get her flirting. 

“It’s comfy though!” She pouted. 

He scrunched his nose up and Rey found herself falling again. “That’s why I like it!”

“You’re mean.”

“I am the meanest.” The both of them were just staring at each other for a minute before Ben added, “We should uh finish the project,”

“Sure, uh huh.” Rey’s throat went dry. “You’re going to have to deal with me being up here though because I’m fucking cold.” 

Ben rolled his eyes. “Fine, all I have to do is color in the visual and then we’re good.” It didn’t take long for Ben to color the visual. All of that was admittedly a blur in Rey’s mind. When everything was done and Ben came to sit up on the bed with her. She started crawling closer to him and she could tell he was increasingly nervous. 

***

Rey kept sort of nudging up against him in this way that no one had ever touched Ben before, and he felt like he was on fire.  _ Why did she do this? More importantly, why was it affecting him so much when she did?  _ “Random question,” Rey said. “What type of girl do you think guys like?” Ben swallowed and swallowed hard. 

“What type of girl do other guys like or what type of girl do I like? Because I think those are two different things.”

“What type of girl do you like?” Ben was sort of panicking on the inside while simultaneously trying to keep his dick from thinking for him. His eyes flickered from Rey’s lips to her eyes again. 

“I usually like brunettes.” She blinked at him. “Uh, taller. Dimples are usually a nice touch.”  She smiled, that smile that was kind of sad again and then yawned. She leaned down, putting her head on his lap and laying in his bed. “Not flirting. Just tired.”  _ What the hell was she doing?  _ Ben’s mind set off at least fourteen different alarms as he watched Rey in his lap. This is what being touched starved did to people. He was probably freaking out over nothing. It was nothing. Until she said,

“To be honest, I like shy guys more than the other guys I've dated.” He nodded, wondering if the guy she had a crush on was shy too. He probably wasn’t. She had said once she had a tendency to gravitate towards assholes who she thought were shy but were really just misanthropic once. Ben’s heart stung looking down, and that's when he realized why. 

He had a crush on Rey.


	7. a museum is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shit chapter

**February 2, 2007**

 

Rey and Ben had both agreed that this “field trip” was the stupidest idea in the realm of stupid school ideas. They were going to some sort of museum, in a class where the kids were rowdy and acted more like freshman than seniors. Rey usually sat in the front with some of the vapid blonde girls that chatted and talked about other boys and cheating on people and all this stuff that Rey didn’t do, but today, she sat in the very back with Ben. Ben couldn’t help but brush up against her a little as he sat down next to her. 

The both of them ignored the teacher and Rey yawned. “You tired?” He asked her. She nodded. 

“I was at a party last night,” she said. “A little hungover.”

“If you need to sleep it’s okay.” She nodded, laying her head down on Ben’s shoulder. She was still wearing the hoodie she ended up stealing from his house. He couldn't really object. She looked better in it than he did. She managed to stay asleep for most of the ride there. Ben probably would’ve nodded off if it wasn’t for Hux giving him the death glare. 

Rey woke up right when the bus stopped, and the both of them waited for the rest of the kids to spill out on to the pavement before they went out as well. Rey stayed so close to him the entire time, and he was grateful for it. 

The inside of the museum was large and clean and Ben liked it, he had always liked museums, but he never liked it when he was given tours through certain exhibits. “Fag,” Hux pushed him to the ground as they were walking. The teacher looked back, but did nothing. The group started walking ahead when Rey stomped on his foot. 

“Apologize.”

“No.”

“Apologize or I can make this a lot more humiliating for you.” He looked Rey square in the eye as Ben got to his feet. His elbows hurt a little but there wasn’t any blood.

Honestly watching Hux cower in front of Rey was pretty amusing. 

Hux turned to Ben. “I formally apologize for my actions.” With that, he left to catch up with the group. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” Ben ran his hand through his hair nervously. “Thanks,” He was going to catch up with the group when Rey pulled him into a different exhibit. It was on Feudal Japan. “What about the group?” 

“Fuck the group.” Rey said. “That tour guide was boring anyway.” Ben found himself falling again. Rey was something more than he could ever ask for. She was kind and way too pretty and her perfume wasn’t an irritating fruity stench like all the other girls at their school. As they walked through the Feudal Japan exhibit. They were surrounded by art and bright colors and Ben was in for sort of a trip. 

His brain kept wandering off in directions he didn’t think that he liked very much. He wondered, for a second, if Rey actually liked him. What would happen? Would they start dating? Ben didn’t know how that worked. He did know that Rey was the kind of person who knew how to hug someone, and knew the right times to hug them too. Was she the kind of person who would hold him at night when he couldn’t sleep? Would she kiss his scars and tell him that he was okay? That he wasn't a complete weirdo like everyone else thought he was. 

Ben had to stop thinking about that. He would only set himself up for disappointment. The both of them found themselves in the Renaissance paintings at one point and Ben asked, “If I was a painting, who would I be painted by?”

“Rembrandt.” Rey answered with no hesitation. “He’s my favorite.” Ben blushed hard and turned again. “You’re cute. Now what about me?”

“You're too much of a masterpiece to be captured by any artist.” He was pretty sure at that point he got Rey to blush. Ben felt a little proud of himself. 

“Do you want to get something from the shop and then meet up with the rest of the group?” 

“Honestly I would rather stay here with you, but sure.”

Rey’s eyes widened momentarily and he wondered why. He kept hoping that maybe, just maybe, it was because Rey liked him, but with each step he doubted himself more and more. The both of them made their way down to the gift shop. Everything was expensive, like Ben thought it was going to be. But he found a necklace with a little painting of a yellow flower inside of it and bought it. When Rey came out with a little bag he said, “I got something for you,” 

“I got something for you too,”

“Really? Switch.” 

The both of them switched. Rey got Ben this small book of medieval gothic art, and he loved it. Rey nearly squeaked when she saw the necklace. She asked him to help her put it on, and Ben was pretty sure that Rey was unintentionally going to kill him. She lifted her hair up as he bought the necklace up behind her neck and clasped it gently. That turned out to be the high point of Ben’s day. 

* * *

When Ben got home, he went up to his room to see the lock was gone, and so was his eyeliner and his radio. His computer was still there thankfully. 

Someone was looking for something. They’d rummaged through his desk but hadn’t found where Ben kept his razor. It was his dad. It had to be. They were probably expecting Ben to get mad so they could have some sort of intervention and his dad would explain why he took his shit, but Ben didn’t do anything. 

He just sat on the edge of his bed, fingernails digging into the meat of his palm, and then he got up, went down to the basement and found the lock to his door just sitting there. Neither Han nor Leia were home yet. Despite what both of then thought, Ben knew how to use tools. He reinstalled his lock and it worked. Then he went to their room and grabbed his radio back but didn’t see his eyeliner anywhere. 

When he put the radio back in his room his anger took over. Ben took the tool box in the backyard, grabbed some lighting fluid that his dad used for the grill and poured it all over his fathers toolbox. Ben always had a Zippo in his pocket, despite not smoking. He set his father’s toolbox on fire. 

* * *

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

_ I set my dads toolbox on fire _

**_rey_kay_ **

_ Edgy _

_ Wait _

_ Are you serious?  _

_ What happened _

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

_ I dont want to talk about it _

**_rey_kay_ **

_ Okay _

_ I hope you're okay though _

**_xXxkylorenxXx has signed out_ **

Rey felt her stomach churn as she looked at the screen. Two minutes later she was at Finn’s. “I need your car keys.” She said. 

“Why?” He asked. He looked all bleary eyed and sleepy. 

“Because I asked.”

“Is this because of Ben?”

“Yeah.” 

“Rey you need to stop. He's honestly not worth it with the amount of stress he causes you.”

“Lecture me later. Keys.”

“Here,” He sighed. That night Rey went to Ben’s house and snuck into his bedroom. He was silent when he saw her, he had been crying. For a while she just sat there and held him. He actually hugged back for once. 

She left when his mother called him.


	8. a fever you can sweat out, and then flirt a little afterwards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lmao my brain is depression personified rn @ my writing sooooooo I tried fluff but it got a lil sad rn
> 
> Who else notices that a lot of these chapters have PATD memes. 
> 
> Some green day memes and early 2000 meme references as titles will be coming soon. 
> 
> I also dont know if this will be more than the chapter amount I have rn idk

When Ben was sick, he was usually alone, and he hated it. Especially now. He woke up with a fever and both his parents had to go to work, like they always did. His mother left some food in the kitchen for him but he couldn't even get out of bed.

He just remembered throwing up and then Rey being in his room. “Rey?” 

“You look like shit.” she said. 

“Why are you here?” 

“You asked me the come over.”  Rey put her hand on his head and Ben sniffed. 

“I did?”

“Shit, you have a really bad fever.” Ben closed his eyes tight. He just remembered he was shirtless, and sweating. “Do you know where your mom keeps the medication?”

“In the bathroom across the hall.” Rey nodded and left. She came back a few seconds later and made Ben drink some Dimetapp. He scrunched his face up. 

“Gross. I know,”

“How’d you get in?” 

“Through the window.” 

“Oh,” He sniffed again and made this motion at her that signified hugging. She didn’t come. “Cuddle? Please?”

“Ben, you’re really hot. Are you sure more body heat is gonna fix that?”

“Yes.” Rey smiled and sighed, slipping off her shoes. Ben let her roll under the sheet and pulled her close. He supposed that she might be uncomfortable since he was a still kind of sweating. She didn’t seem uncomfortable though, she pressed against him and closed her eyes. In his fever-delusioned mind he could think that maybe she actually liked this. “Rey?” He asked. For some reason he started crying. 

“Yeah?” Rey asked, “Ben? Are you okay?” 

“Can you promise me something?” 

“What?” 

“Don’t leave me.” 

She giggled a little bit, pressing into him more. “Of course, Ben.”

“No one’s going to make you move either?” He sniffed. 

“No one’s going to make me move, Ben.” It was partially a lie, for his sake. She didn’t know what was going to happen. She never did. “I’ll stay here with you.” Ben nodded, pressing his face into her neck. She didn’t object. “For as long as you like.” 

***

When Ben woke up, Rey had a bowl of chicken soup in her hands and a spoon. Everything was sort of a blur. “You need food,” She said. 

“What happened?” He asked. 

“I broke your fever.” She smiled, “You need food.” Ben realized he was shirtless, starting to blush. “Oh, do you want a shirt?” He nodded, and Rey set the soup on his desk before rifling through his dresser and finding him an undershirt. She let him put it on before she turned around and grabbed the soup again. Rey grabbed a spoon. “Time to eat.” Ben let her spoonfeed him. The soup tasted good. He gave Rey a little smile as she set the soup to the side.

“Thanks,” Ben guessed that he must’ve looked sad, because Rey was looking at him up and down, like she was trying to assess some damage. 

“You okay?” She asked. 

“My dad threw away my eyeliner. Tried to take the lock off my door because I spent too much time in my room. We were fighting so much I didn’t sleep and I guess got a fever because of that.” He didn’t even hesitate to tell her.

“That sucks,” She said. “I’m sorry.” She hugged him again. This time he hugged her back, and closed his eyes. “I can go get you some if you like.” 

“You don’t have to do that.” He said when she broke free of him.

“Tell me what kind you like,” She said. “I’ll keep it in my bag and you can put it on at school.” 

“Thank you.” 

***

Rey went to her house that night after a party, sticking to the shadows as her parents drank and watched reruns of M.A.S.H. in the living room. They didn’t even notice when the door closed, they didn’t care that she smelled like weed, and didn’t care about the fact that she didn’t get a meal that night. 

She went up to her room that night feeling sad and high and she wished that she had actual parents, or at least guardians who cared. Maybe then that could stop her from feeling as lonely as she felt. She remembered when Ben held her earlier today, she’d been having a pretty shitty morning until he messaged her on MySpace, and she’d come willingly. 

For a while she thought that maybe she was fixing Ben, fixing his problems. But maybe in a way he fixed her. 

Rey knew it’d been only a few hours since she’d seen him but she fired up MySpace. Something that she knew that she shouldn’t do when she was high. She posted a photo of wilted flowers, with the caption, “ _ what i feel like when i’m alone”.  _ She knew that she would probably delete it later, or Hux would make fun of her for her pseudo-hipster sad girl shit, but she didn’t care right now. She genuinely felt sad. 

Paige Tico commented, asking if she was okay.

Rey responded, I guess. 

Ben messaged her a minute later. 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Hey _

 

__ _ You okay _

 

__ _ Is it that guy _

 

__ How could he be so fucking stupid? Rey wanted to shout. Yell at him and tell him that it was him, it was him since the first fucking day of sophomore year when she was new and being swept around by all the girls who thought she could make “cheerleader” material and saw him in the hallway. 

She didn’t do that though. Ben didn’t deserve that. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ It’s not just that _

 

__ _ there’s just _

 

__ _ A lot of things _

 

__ _ Sorry for worrying you _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

__ _ You know that you can talk to me for whatever right _

__

__ _ I wont judge you _

 

__ _ I literally have no room to judge i technically committed arson the other day _

 

__ Rey laughed at that. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ I got the eyeliner _

 

__ It was a blatant change of subject. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ idk how to repay you _

__ _ It means a lot _

 

__ _ Really _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ Id do anything for you tbh _

 

__ Rey paused after she wrote that. She realized a minute too late that she had already sent it. “Damn it,” A low groan came from her throat. That was weird. It was really weird. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Id do anything for you too _

 

__ _ You just make everything worth it _

 

__ Rey started blushing. She could feel heat starting to form between her legs. God, what was Ben doing to her? 

 

**_rey_kay_ ** ****

 

**** _ There are some things i want to tell you  _

 

__ _ But i cant _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ That sounds fairly ominous _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ sorry _

 

__ _ Hate to be thatt bitch _

 

__ _ It’s just,,, thoughts _

 

__ _ I was also kinda thinking?? I wanted to write you something _

 

__ _ Is that weird _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ I kinda want to draw you  _

 

__ Now Rey was really dying. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ Pretentious emo poetry or a short story?  _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Short story _

 

__ _ Realism or Sandman Comic style _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ You have all artistic freedom on that my dude _

 

__ _ You really don’t have to draw me though _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Yeah i don’t have to but you sorta inspired me to start drawing again so  _

 

__ At that point, Rey was done. She didn’t even tell him goodbye. She just signed off, turned off the computer and laid down on her mattress. For a moment, she hesitated. Thinking about sleep and trying her goddamned best to close her eyes and not think about Ben, but it wasn’t working. 

Ben kept entering her mind that night, and she found herself tossing and turning before finally giving up from exhaustion. 

 

***

 

Ben wondered why she signed off early. Maybe her power went out. He went to bed again that night and got up early, neither of his parents were up and he wrote on a piece of paper. “Gone to school, going to be going to Rey’s after. Don’t expect me back until seven.” And left. 

  
  



	9. Bullet For My Valentine

**February 4, 2007**

Ben thought that everything was going well, and then Rey didn’t come to school. He noticed it almost immediately. When Rey wasn’t there, it was like everything was the way it was before they started hanging out together, and it was a green light for the bullying to start again. Ben wondered what would happen if he went to go check on her unannounced. Maybe she was just really tired and would come back tomorrow.  

She didn’t come back the second day either. That day Hux had gone in as hard as he could. Told Ben that he should kill himself, called him a faggot, said that Rey was only hanging out with him because she pitied him. He believed it. He always believed it. He was ugly, a waste of space, he didn’t deserve to live. That night he messaged Rey.

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

_Hey_

 

_Why haven’t you come to school_

 

There was no answer. Ben started to think maybe Rey was just avoiding him, maybe Hux was right and Rey had been lying about actually wanting to be his friend.

On the third day he was about to walk into first period and saw Rey wasn’t in class. He turned straight around and walked out the door. He walked to Rey’s house. There was no cars in the driveway, so Ben knocked on the door. It took a minute, but Rey opened the door.

She looked exhausted. “Ben?”

“Hey,” He scratched the back of his head, wondering what to do next. “I uh...was missing you at school.” She smiled a little.

“That’s sweet. Come in.” He came in, “Sorry I haven’t been at school. Today's the first day I've really been able to get up.” They started walking back up to her room. She laid down on her mattress and Ben sat down next to her.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” She said. “I just get really bad cramps this time of the month.” That made sense. Ben started to feel really bad about thinking she was trying to avoid him.

“Do you want a massage?” he just sort of blurted it out. Rey didn’t give him time to be embarrassed.

“Yes, please.” Rey whispered. Ben swallowed and swallowed hard. She moved to get up, her back facing him. Ben panicked just a little on the inside. He didn’t really have experience in this, or anything that involved touching another girl. He took a deep breath in and started rubbing at the knots in her back. She was silent, closing her eyes and smiling a little as he moved his hands.

Ben never really expected to be _this close_ to Rey. Her waist was tiny, like the rest of her, but he could feel her muscles under her shirt. It took everything in Ben to just function the right way. He wasn’t sure how to feel, but he found himself missing the feel of Rey’s body when she broke away. “Thank you,” She said. “I really needed that.”

“No problem.” Ben was blushing, he knew he was. His cheeks hurt and he had to look away from Rey. This wasn’t fair. It totally wasn’t fair. Ben found himself wishing that the person that Rey was crushing on was him, and not some asshole who didn’t appreciate her. It wasn’t his place to say who she should and shouldn’t date though. So he would live with it. “So you’ll be at school tomorrow?” Ben didn’t tell her about the bullying, or the new scars. He couldn’t.

“Of course,” She said. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

***

**February 14, 2007**

Valentines Day came around, and Rey felt sad. She was usually sad around this time anyways, she had a habit because she was alone, again. She remembered the events of the day earlier. She’d asked Ben if he wanted to come to Rose’s Valentines Day party, thinking that that would be where she finally had the courage to ask him out. He said no. Rey had never been more humiliated before.

In return, she got drunk. She wasn’t sure how drunk she was until Ben was there, and he was pulling her out of Rose’s house. She stumbled and then stopped in the doorway. “Ben?” She squinted, he looked really pretty in the moonlight. The music was thumping inside of the house and Rey’s memory was hazy. “I thought you weren’t going to be here.” She was pretty sure she was slurring.

“I changed my mind.” He said. “I’m glad too. You’re really drunk.”

“I smoked some weed too.”

“You’re going to have a fucking awful headache when you wake up tomorrow.” He said. “Come on.” She followed him, overly conscious about how his hand was on the small of her back, and how he smelled nice. He didn’t use an offensive amount of body spray like most guys at her school did, he smelled kind of like Root Beer and mint, and Rey liked that. He helped her into the passenger seat of her car and got in the drivers seat. He closed the door behind him. That’s when Rey did something really stupid.

***

Rey didn’t buckle her seatbelt. He sat down in the driver seat and Rey put her hand on his thigh. Ben should’ve stopped it there. But he didn’t. “You okay?” He asked her. She nodded and smiled, she was sort of swaying in her seat. Rey leaned over in her seat more, picked up Ben’s arm and started kissing lines up and down his skin, soft lips brushing against his scars.

“You know,” She said, “you’re really handsome.” Ben swallowed, not really sure how to process everything at first. _Rey was drunk, really, really drunk. She didn’t mean this. She didn’t mean any of it._ But Ben could feel this sort of electric feeling spreading through him. And then, Rey tried to actually kiss him, on the lips.

He panicked, and dodged her face completely. “Rey, stop.”

“What do you mean?” She was slurring. _Fuck, Solo. You let this happen. You were shitty enough to let this happen when she doesn’t have enough awareness to actually know what she’s doing._ He was just as bad as every other guy at the school.

“You don’t mean this.” He said. “You’re drunk.”

“I’m not that drunk.” She shook her head.

“Yes you are.”

“No, I’m not.” She whined.

“Do you even remember why I dragged you out of the party in the first place?” He asked. Her eyes looked foggy and vacant. “Because Hux was harassing you. Now come on. We need to get you home.” He reached over her to buckle her in and started driving towards her house.

Rey didn’t say anything when they took off down the street, tears pricking at her eyes. “If I go home they’re gonna kill me.” She said.

“I’ll take you to my place.” He told her. “You can take my bed, I’ll sleep out on the couch.” He was sure that his mother and father weren’t going to like that, but they had to deal. Rey started crying. _Shit._ “What are you doing? Stop crying, I don’t know what I did but I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.”

She bit her lip, and closed her eyes. She wasn’t talking. Ben kind of hoped that she would go to sleep and he wouldn’t have to deal with her until the morning. He hoped that she would completely forget what happened that night. “Can we stop at a Whataburger first?”

“Yeah, of course.” It was an obvious distraction, but he'd take anything over thinking about what just happened.


	10. but its better if you do

**February 15, 2007**

 

Rey woke up with the worst headache in her life, and the fact that she remembered everything from the night before made it even worse. She was on Ben’s bed and he was on a chair, he had a sketch pad in his lap, a pencil going across the paper in ways she’d never seen before. He looked up when she groaned. “Look who’s awake.” 

“What time is it?” Her throat hurt. 

“Half past noon.” Rey flopped back into bed. “What? Too early?” 

“Too late to actually do something today, might as well sleep in.” She remembered everything from last night. She was secretly hoping she didn’t see Ben’s face when she woke up, that way she could cry about the fact that he didn’t like her by herself for a couple of hours. 

“Can’t say I disagree with that.” He shrugged. There was a moment of silence between the two of them and then he asked, “Do you remember what happened last night?” She tried not to tense when he asked that. 

“Just getting Whataburger. Why?” She lied. Ben seemed relieved, that made her a little happier, at least there was that. He seemed a little nervous for some reason. She didn’t know why. 

“Oh, no reason.” He looked back down to his sketchbook. 

“What are you drawing?” 

“You.” Rey felt something tugging at her heart again. “I’m not done yet, though.” 

“You drew me when I was passed out drunk?” 

“I neglected to draw the drool on my pillow,” 

“I do not-” She looked down at his pillow and felt a wave of humiliation hit her. “Shit, I do. Sorry.” She wiped the pillow with her sleeve and got up. 

“It’s okay.” Rey looked around for her shoes and then found them next to Ben’s chair. She really didn’t want to have to get them, but she did, her arm brushing up slightly against the jacket he was wearing as he worked at the drawing. She put her flip flops on and then looked over his shoulder at the drawing. 

“Holy shit,” She whispered. She wasn’t aware that she said it so loud but Ben nearly jumped out of his skin. She was glad that he dropped his pencil. “That’s …” Rey never realized what she was missing out on before she saw Ben’s art. There was something about the way that he worked that was just...magical. She didn’t know enough about art to properly compliment his technique.

“Do you like it?” 

“Do I like it? I love it.” Ben had managed to make her not look like she’d had a lot of vodka and smoked two blunts last night. “This is great.” She told him, she moved to go out the door when he asked where she was going. 

“I was gonna go home.” 

“Oh,” He said. 

“Why?” 

“Because I thought that maybe we could hang out.” Something about that broke her heart, and for a second, she considered staying. There was this voice in her head telling her that she shouldn’t though. What was the point? He didn’t like her and he was never going to like her. 

“I have to take a shower,” She said, “and then Rose and I were gonna go shopping for uh, girl things.” He nodded, accepting that as an explanation as she headed out of the door. Rey knew it was fucked up, wanting to go but also wanting him to call after her, but it happened all the same. She went out the door quietly, and when she got all the way down the street, she burst into tears. 

***

Ben knew that Rey was upset about something. There was a bunch of posts on her MySpace about how things were over and she wasn’t sure there was a point to things anymore, and Ben messaged her instantly. 

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Tell me whats wrong _

 

__ _ Please _

 

__ _ You’re my point of existence _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ You really can’t help with this ben _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Is it about your guardians? _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

****

**** _ No but _

 

__ _ Im scared _

 

__ _ I just _

 

__ _ I dont know im stupid im sorry _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Why can’t you tell me?  _

 

__ _ You know i wont judge _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ Listen, ben im serious you can’t help with this and i appreciate the fact that you want to but  _

__

__ _ There are something you can’t fix or change _

 

__ Ben remembered the post she made earlier. 

 

_ My friends tell me there are things that I can’t change. I want to change the fact that he doesn’t like me.  _

 

**_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Is it about that guy  _

 

__ _ Rey _

 

__ _ Answer  _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ This is her friend finn, fuck off, kay? She’s really upset.  _

 

__ **_rey_kay has signed off._ **

 

***

 

**February 18, 2007**

 

Ben didn’t know how he fucked up,  but he knew that he fucked up. The next day, he went to Rey’s house after school. She hadn’t talked to him all day, but when she opened the door she seemed happy and cheerful as ever. “Hey,” She said. “What’s up?” 

“I was just wondering if you were okay?” 

“Okay as ever.” She practically beamed, and Ben wasn’t sure why she was so happy. “Sorry about Finn, the other day.” 

“Is he the guy?”

Rey wrinkled her nose, “No. Finn’s gay.” 

“Oh,” 

“I mean I guess I could see why you would think that I do talk to him a lot and he’s attractive but he’s not my type. He’s not shy at all.” Ben felt his heart flutter again. Why did she have to do that? “Anyways, I was going to ask you what you planned on doing after graduation.” He set his bag at the door. 

“I don’t know,” He said. Before Rey, he hadn’t really planned on living past graduation. He still was on the fence about that. “Why?” 

“Because since my parents are going to be kicking me out, I’m going to get a job and go to community college for my basics. I was wondering if you were going to stay in state.” She went into the kitchen area and pulled out a jug of sweet tea, pouring a glass for the both of them. 

“I don’t know,” He said again. “To be honest I’ve never really thought about college.” Rey’s eyes widened. 

“Ben, we’re going to graduate in June.” 

“Yeah, I know.” He said. “I might take a gap year I guess, I need to get my shit together. The only way I’m going to get a scholarship is if I start drawing again and put a portfolio together.” He took his tea from her, taking a sip. 

“Well I guess it’ll be good because you’ll be in state. We can still hang out.” 

“Yeah,” He said, “we can still hang out.” 

“And go to Warped Tour in August?” 

Ben nearly choked on his drink, “I can’t this year.”

“Why?” 

“Well, I punched my dad earlier this year and that was my punishment.”

“You punched your dad,” 

“My dad’s a dick.” Rey eyed him for a moment and Ben suspected that she didn’t quite like that explanation. He wasn’t going to relive it for her earlier. 

“Well I’m taking you to Warped Tour anyways, we can say that you and I will be out.” 

“Out how?” 

“A date, I guess.” Ben’s heart lurched again. Why did she have to say shit like this? She was going to give him four different heart attacks. “Oh we can say that we’re going to the drive in movie theatre that’s nearly a day’s drive from here with Finn and Rose and Paige. How does that sound?” 

“Great.” 

He didn’t know how she could plan ahead so casually. Thinking that far ahead gave him anxiety, but Rey had made sure of one thing. Ben would live until after Warped Tour. 

***

They were yelling. 

Again.

Ben was getting sick and tired of this. Finally he did something, even though he knew it would be a mistake. “Get a fucking divorce already! Some people have school in the morning!” Everything went dead silent downstairs. Ben knew he fucked up, but he was done. He could hear his father’s heavy footsteps come up the stairs, there was no point in closing the door. 

***

 

Rey was smoking weed with Rose when she decided to step outside for fresh air. She saw Ben sitting on the side of the road with a backpack and a Wal-Mart bag with some snacks in it. He looked numb, almost unmoving. He looked up at her and tried to smile. “Can we go for a walk?” She blinked several times before her mind processed that request. 

 

“Yeah. Of course.”


	11. a junkyard of feelings and teen angst

“So, do you want to talk about what happened?” Ben shook his head for a second. “Well can you tell me what happened?” 

“I fucked up,” Ben said, “and then I got yelled at, my dad hit me and I took my shit and walked out the door.” Rey swallowed. She hated seeming him this way. They stopped on a bench and Rey took some of the snacks that Ben had in his Wal-Mart bag out, they ate in silence, but it was okay. Ben seemed generally calmed down in her presence. 

Rey and Ben walked through the park for about thirty minutes before Rey went back to Finn’s house and asked for his car.  He gave her the keys and she went out with Ben that night. “Are you sure this is okay?” He asked. 

“Yeah,” She said, “it’s fine.” He buckled, and Rey turned on the radio. It played softly in the background as she just drove around. She could tell that Ben was tired, he laid his head against the window and closed his eyes. Rey felt a little bit of relief in her system when she saw his face was relaxed. Rey didn’t have to ask about any more of what happened, she didn’t care about that. 

She just needed to know that he was okay. 

***

When Han came up the staircase, Ben remembered very little, except ending up on his floor, vision blurred. His mother screamed, and Ben smelled alcohol on his father’s breath. Something inside of him snapped when that happened. He didn’t care about what his mother said, or what his father did to try and redeem himself after that day. 

He was just done. 

The only thing that had stopped him from ending it right there was Rey, the thought of Rey made him get up from the floor. He didn’t yell, he didn’t fight back, he just walked over to his dresser and started to pack. “What are you doing?” 

Ben didn’t say anything, just kept packing clothes. “Ben,” He pushed past his mother and walked down stairs. “Ben!” 

Ben picked up his wallet off the counter in the kitchen as his parents started running downstairs, and then he walked out the door. 

***

Ben woke up in the side of the car next to Rey. Ben would have smiled if he wasn’t so tired. “Hey,” She said. 

“Hey,” Rey smiled back at him. Watching her smile almost made him forget about what had happened the night before. Sunlight poured in through the car. 

“Where are we?” 

“The junkyard,” Rey said. He raised an eyebrow and she motioned for him to get out of the car with her. He did. Sure enough, they were in the junkyard. It was smaller than it looked from the outside. And there was rusty cars and metal plates everywhere. “I found this place when I was first placed here.” She said.  “Believe it or not I used to sneak out and come here when I was sad. Not even Finn knows about this place.” 

Suddenly Ben felt a little special, knowing a place that not even her closest friends knew. 

Rey took his hand again and Ben found himself back in that place that he hated and loved at the same time. He found his heart hurting for her over and over and over again. Rey showed him this makeshift room that had been made out of big metal plates and old signs and Rey sat down. Ben sat down next to her. “So,” she said. “Tell me what you’re feeling.” 

What was Ben feeling? He didn’t know. “Rey, I… I’m not good at talking about feelings.”

“Well, you’re not being graded. Just say it.”

He was silent for a moment, trying to consider his next words carefully before he said, “When I'm at my house, things are different. It’s like I’m trapping myself in this lonely dark place that I can’t get out of. A room with no windows.” Rey was looking down at the ground, tears pricking her eyes. “But then there’s you.” she looked up at him. “I don’t really know how to describe it, I guess you’re my window.” Silence. “I don’t know if that makes sense.”

“It does.” she said. “It does. I just...wow.” She bit her lip and looked down. “And how do you feel about what happened last night?”

“Pissed.” He said. Rey smirked a little. 

“How pissed?” 

Ben thought about how his dad would come home drunk every night and his mom would yell at him and they would stay together even though it wasn’t working. “Really pissed.” Rey got up. She picked up a rod and a bat and handed the bat to Ben, then walked out into the middle of the aisle of the junkyard with him. “What's this?”

“A bat. What does it look like?” She asked. 

“Rey,” 

“Just hear me out again, okay? Sometimes, and this isn’t always the healthiest thing to do, but sometimes when you’re pissed about something you can’t change, the best thing is to the just-” Rey swung the rod down on a rusted car hood. It bounced back up and barely made a dent but she made her point. “-beat the shit out of something.”

“Like you’ve ever been pissed before.” 

“You think I’ve never been pissed?” She rolled her eyes. She brought the rod down on the car harder this time. “That's for every time I think about how my parents essentially left me.” Again. “That's for every foster home I've been in where I got the shit beat out of me.” Again. “And that is for having to watch people like Hux make you miserable every day.” She put the rod down. 

“Your turn. And you don’t just have to hit the car.” He didn’t just hit the car. That day Ben hit the hood of the car, swung at a half broken mannequin, and threw the bat into the windshield of a heated truck. 

When he was done, he fell to the ground. He must’ve started crying because Rey was right there with him, lifting him up. Rey helped him back to Finn’s car and the both of them got in the back seat. She was too close. Ben could feel her breath on the back of his neck, he wished that she would kiss him, but that wasn’t going to happen. He broke away from her. “Stop,” He said. 

“What?” 

“I can’t do this anymore.” 

“Do what, Ben?” 

“Do this,” He motioned between the two of them. “You touching me and shit.” She blinked silently, obviously confused.  _ Words, Ben.  _ “Because when you touch me I pretend that you like me and that’s not fair to you, and not fair to me. Because I know you’re never going to like me in the same way that I like you.” He opened the car door and was almost all the way out the car when Rey said, 

“Ben, wait.” 


	12. disbelief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning, the next three chapters after this are gonna angst.

“Ben, wait.” Rey wasn’t really sure what to say, she didn’t know what to do. She got out of the car and stepped in front his path. “Did you not hear me?” She asked. He looked down. 

“Don’t, Rey.” Her heart broke hearing that, but she stayed where she was. “Don’t pity me.” 

“Shut up.” She said, she didn’t raise her voice or sound mean, in fact she was on the verge of tears but that didn’t stop Ben from looking up at her, a bit surprised. “Because I like you too.” Silence. “I have for a while,” He was just standing there, he didn’t say anything. 

“What?” 

“Why do you think I asked Phasma for your MySpace account? I knew you wouldn’t want me to approach you in class, so I needed another way to start talking to you.” 

“But the guy-” 

“-The guy is you, Ben. You’re the guy.” 

“The guy you described was an asshole.” Rey was fighting a losing battle. “Fuck. Fuck! Really? I’m an asshole, aren’t I?”

“No, no, Ben don’t put yourself down like that, okay? I get it, I really do.” She took a step closer to him, “I should’ve just sucked it up and told you earlier but I was scared that you wouldn’t believe me, or worse, you didn’t like me either.” 

“So you’ve liked me since December?” 

“I’ve liked you a lot longer than that,” She said. “Since when I was new and shy and still had braces and saw you in the hallway sophomore year.” He smiled a little.

“Why didn’t you talk to me then?” 

“Because I wasn’t sure you’d like me.” 

“I would’ve.” Rey smiled a little more, “I like you now too.” Rey grabbed his hand. “God, I’ve wanted to say that for so long.” She put her head on his chest, closing her eyes. The both of them were silent for a while, she could feel Ben shaking again. She hated this, hated him crying. 

“Let’s go back to the car,” He let her lead him back, and the both of them sat in the back seat, holding hands. “Ben?” He looked up at her, eyes glassy. “Can I kiss you?” 

***

“Can I kiss you?” The question echoed through his head a couple of times before he could really process what was going on. Just the other day, Rey had tried to kiss him when she was drunk, and he thought that it was because she was drunk, nothing else.

She actually liked him though. He still couldn’t quite believe that. Why would she like him? He didn’t do any sports and wasn’t attractive, wasn’t charismatic, or funny or anything that would make him someone who could be liked. “Ben?” She asked, “You there?” 

“Huh? Yeah, it’s just that I’ve never…” She nodded. 

“Do you want to wait?” 

“Yes. No. I don’t know. What if you decide you don’t like me after you kiss me?” 

Rey rolled her eyes, “That’s not going to happen.” 

“You promise?” He was trembling. All that kept running through his head was how? How was this possible? He had to be dreaming. At any minute, he was going to wake up and realize that he’d been dreaming, and Rey didn’t actually like him the way she said she did now. 

“I promise.” She put her hand on his thigh, caressing it softly. 

“God I’m a mess.” 

“You’re a perfect mess.” She said, “You’re cute.” Ben didn’t know what to say. Words were hard right now. She really didn’t know what she was doing to him, neither did he, but he liked it. 

When Rey kissed him, he felt like nothing he’d ever felt before. It was like there was this tangible, solid line of a future with in his grasp. One where he could do what he wanted, he’d be an artist, and he’d be successful. One where he lived in a house built for two away from people with a view and there was windows. One where Rey was with him. 

The kiss itself was soft and too perfect. Rey broke away first, her eyes big and filled with something he’d never seen before. She was looking at him different now. It wasn’t really that sad look that she had had before, where she was trying to be happy for him. This was something Ben couldn’t  quite place. “How was that?” 

“Perfect.” The both of them broke out into a laugh, giggling and light and airy. 

“Do you want to drive around some more?” She asked. 

“I kind of just want to hold you some more but, we should probably get going.” He said. “This is private property after all.” She nodded and the both of them got in the front of the car again. Rey started the car and they were off. The two of them stopped at a truckers gas station at the edge of town and ordered showers. When they were back on the road again, Rey told him of other places in town that she had found to stow away in. Ben never really knew of all the little nooks and crannies she talked about, and he’d been living there his whole life. 

“Where would you like to go?” Ben’s stomach growled. “You hungry?” Ben didn’t like eating in front of people. He still didn’t like eating in front of people. But this was Rey. Rey, the girl who liked him. His first kiss. He nodded. “We can get some shit from McDonalds.” He made a face. 

“What?” 

“I don’t really like fast food.” 

“It’s not like we have a choice, Ben. We can’t get a homemade meal.” 

“Can we go to Central Market?” Rey smiled. 

“Of course.” 

***

Rey knew that going home wouldn’t be good for her or Ben. So she took him to this stretch of woods in the back of town, a little further away from the usual make out spot. That night the both of them slept in the car, not thinking about things that would happen when they had to go to school the next day. That day everything was fine, and that’s all that mattered. 


	13. before and after

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I said angst but then I wrote the first chapter and didn't like it so I lied, fuck what I said before. Also this chapter is inspired by the amazing violethoure666's nonlinear story telling. I love her and her writing so much y'all omg I hope you like this chapter, there is mentions of child neglect and suicide attempts in this chapter

**June 2014**

 

Ben had a routine these days, he would wake up in the same bed and be greeted by the same face. Rey was always there by his side. Today though, she wasn’t. Ben got up and heard the shower stop. Rey walked out of the shower, a towel wrapped around her and nothing else. “Hey,” She said. “Did I wake you up?”

“No,” He said, a smile played at his lips as he watched her go to the closet to get her clothes. “You should wake me up so that I can shower with you next time.” 

“Right,” she smirked. Rey dropped her towel, and Ben caught himself staring. He had to remind himself that he shouldn’t feel bad about staring, he was her boyfriend after all. “So what should I wear to dinner with your mother?” 

“I don’t know. You’d look great in a garbage bag.” He got up from the bed. 

***

**March 1, 2007**

 

Rey didn’t want to talk to anyone. She didn’t want to move. She didn’t want to do anything. For a while, she’d had to deal with Ben going back to his parents, but her guardians, her guardians were fucking awful to her when she went back home. There was talk of them saying they wanted to give her back, a lot of insults. Rey didn’t want to listen to any of it. 

She remembered the days where she wished that they actually paid attention to her, now she wanted it to end. Right now, her parents were out, and she messaged Ben on MySpace. 

 

**_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ Can i come over _

 

__ **_xXxkylorenxXx_ **

 

**** _ Yeah _

 

__ _ You okay?  _

 

__ **_rey_kay_ **

 

**** _ I will be _

 

__ _ When im with you _

 

__ Rey got up from her bed, feeling a little bit to her sick to her stomach, the only thought that was really calming her down was being with Ben. 

***

Ben watched as Rey came through the window. “You know nobody’s home, right?” He said, “You could’ve come through the front door.” 

“That’s not as fun, is it?” She laughed nervously, shutting the window behind her. 

“You okay?” 

“I just needed to get out of the house.” She sat down on the bed next to him. “I missed you.” Being grounded was the worst for the both of them, but she was here now, and that was all that mattered. Ben was silent as the two of them fell back onto the bed, and she wrapped her arms around him. She was still wearing his hoodie. 

“So you still like me?” He asked. 

“Still like you,” She reassured him, “a lot.” Ben closed his eyes and just felt her hug him. He needed this like, all the time. “Do you still like me?” Ben turned around, staring at her. She looked so small sometimes. 

“Of course.” He said. “How could I not? You’re literally everything.” The two of them maneuvered on the bed so that they were both resting on his pillows instead. 

“I don’t know what that means,” She said, “but thanks.” Ben knew that something was wrong, but he wasn’t sure what. 

“It means that you’re literally everything to me.” Rey blushed a little, biting her lip. He waited until she was looking him in the eyes again to continue. “You’ve made my life so much better. I hope you know that.” Even if she did know, she didn’t know how much better he meant. She made his life better than he could ever imagine. 

***

**December 2005**

 

Junior year was the year that Ben’s family stopped going on vacation during the holidays, and Ben knew why. He was hard to handle, he stopped eating when they went out to restaurants, and his parents didn’t like being around him. He wasn’t stupid. It still hurt though. It was so cold, there had been a power outage across town and Ben had stayed under the covers. His dad hadn’t come home yet, his mom was asleep in her room. 

The only thing that he really had to keep him company was a copy of Neil Gaiman’s Good Omens. The cover was worn and the spine was cracked in a whole bunch of different places. There were places where Ben had underlined things that he liked or thought was kind of funny, his bookmark was an old drawing of Crowley that he’d done when he was thirteen. 

Ben was under ten different blankets nearly freezing, reading over a story he had read over thousands of times that usually comforted him in times like this, but for some reason, right now they didn’t. Ben looked around his room. Everything was so dark, and so cold. He closed his eyes and thought for a while that this is what it was always going to be. This was life and he deserved it. 

He didn’t deserve anything else. He would always be alone. His brain had spiralled like this before, many times. Sometimes he was able to stop it from happening, other times he couldn’t. Ben felt sick to his stomach as he looked around his room.  _ Remember, you deserve this.  _ A voice in his mind said,  _ you deserve to be alone.  _

***

**March 1, 2007**

“I’ve been so used to isolating myself.” He told her. “I guess I forgot how lonely I was until I met you.” Ben wanted to tell her everything, but he wasn’t sure if he should. Then he remembered that Rey was the first person to seek him out, to let him know that he was cared for and loved. “You know, when I was little, I had like, one friend?”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I had one friend. He was actually kind of mean too, but when I’d get pushed out on the playground. He’d beat the shit out of the other kids and then stay with me for the rest of recess so that I wasn’t alone.” 

“Who was it?” 

“Poe Dameron,” He said. Rey’s eyes widened in surprise a little, and Ben laughed. “I know, right? Anyways, middle school came along and Poe joined the football team. Apparently I wasn’t cool to hang around anymore and he just...stopped talking to me.” 

“I’m going to kick his ass.” 

“No, Rey. Don’t. Just listen. After that, I never made any attempt to actually get to know anyone else because I thought that that would happen every time. Every time the person would just leave, and that what would be the point of that? So I stopped talking, I stopped eating like I should have, and I stayed in my room because I didn’t want to get hurt. There was a lot of shit that hurt, you know? A lot of shit that happened that made me want to end it all.” Rey moved closer to him, hugging his arm. “Before you came along I planned to kill myself on prom night.” 

Rey was really silent, but Ben could see the little lurch in her shoulders and knew that she was starting to cry. “No, no, Rey, don’t do that. Just listen, look at me.” She did. “I’m not going to do that anymore, okay?” She didn’t say anything, but she nodded. “There are days that suck, you know. Days where I can’t control what’s going through my head and I just want to end it. But then I remember that I have you, and that you make me feel like a normal human being you know? You make life worth living. Does that make sense?” 

“Yeah,” She said, “it makes sense. You make my life worth living too.” 

***

**December 2005**

When the power outage had gone through the whole town during the winter, Rey had been at a former boyfriend’s house. He wanted to have sex and then the lights went out, and she used that as her excuse to leave. “It’s easier to orgasm if you’re not cold.” She’d told him, and then she started walking home. 

The streets were overwhelmingly empty, and in a way that unsettled her. Rey remembered how she’d gotten here in the first place. She remembered how her last guardians threw her out on the street to this day, and that never really left her. At the time she’d lived up north, and it was fucking cold. Each day, she would lift food from a supermarket and eat it in this tent city where the people weren’t kind and the fear of getting her shit taken overcame everything else. 

She was grateful in a way that she didn’t have to go back to that, but where she was wasn’t really better. She had friends, yes, but everything was still so overwhelmingly lonely. No one really understood that. She wished someone did. Rey went home. There was no one in the driveway as usual. She went to open the door, in this town everyone kept their doors unlocked for some reason, but the door was locked. “Fuck.” Rey started in the opposite direction. 

At one point, Rey passed Finn’s house, even though that’s where she had planned on going. She just kept walking and walking until the houses passed her by and she was surrounded by trees. That day Rey found a tree, it was big and old and dying and she sat there. She had a joint on her that she’d gotten from a nameless kid at the school and a zippo lighter. 

There was nothing better to do, so she lit it. 

***

**March 1, 2007**

“I tried to kill myself when I was ten.” Rey said. It was just this thing that came out of her mouth. She and Ben were staring at the ceiling in his room just sort of burnt out from the last few weeks. He looked over at her, waiting for more. “My guardian beat me. I accidentally broke this vase that was really important to his dead wife or something, and I was really scared of him so I drank some bleach because I thought that would be better than having to face him again. The other foster kid in the home called the police and the both of us were taken out of it. I haven’t seen her since.” 

“That sucks,” He paused, “I’m glad that you weren’t successful though.” He said. “I don’t want to know what life would be like without you.” 

“There would be times where I would go for what would seem like forever without actual food, you know?” 

“Me not eating probably seems really stupid to you.” Ben said. 

“No, it doesn’t.” She said. “Because when I had a guardian who would feed me after that, she would make fun of how I didn’t know how to eat in public and I would be so embarrassed that I wouldn’t eat in front of people after that. And I know that isn’t the same as what you were doing, but I understand why.” They were both silent again for a long time before Ben started laughing. 

“What?” She said. 

“Nothing,” He replied. “It’s just, we’re both really fucked up aren’t we?” Ben’s laughing was contagious in a way that Rey couldn’t really explain. 

Soon, Rey was giggling too. “Oh my god, we are.” She pushed herself up onto her elbows, using one side to bring Ben’s face more towards her.  “But you know what?” She planted a kiss on his cheek, “Even with all your scars.” She planted a kiss on his forehead, “and even with all the things that your brain does to you,” She finally kissed him on the lips, taking a long, lingering time to kiss him. “You are perfect to me. And I need you to believe that.” 

There were tears forming in Ben’s eyes. “I don’t deserve you,” 

“Don’t say that.” Rey told him. “Don’t ever say that because you deserve everything, okay?” This time Ben was the one to make the move, he turned and she was the one that fell on the bed. Each kiss seemed longer and more like they were desperate for air. 

“You deserve the universe, and I don’t know if I can give that to you, but I’m going to fucking try.” 


	14. prom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the shitty chapter, I'm not feeling so great and I haven't liked any version of this chapter so I guess this is the least shitty version of it.

**March 15, 2015**

 

Today marked the launch of the first comic that Rey and Ben had worked on. It had taken a year for them to fully form the writing for the arcs, and the drawing. But it was easy when they were working together. Rey knew that things had been hard for the both of them, there were things that they would never forget that would scar them forever. 

There were still days that sucked, days where she had to work all day and didn’t get to see Ben, when she came home he would be spiralling. But those days were worth the in between bits, where the both of them were together and happy. 

Rey and Ben had put all their heart into doing this, documenting snippets and reading through bits of the first issue on Youtube and Twitter. They’d used social media to their advantage, and now there was quite the hype behind it. More than there usually was around an indie comic book. “You ready for the signing today?” Rey asked.

“Yeah.” He said. “You?” 

“I can’t wait.”

***

**March 14, 2007**

 

Rey wasn’t sure if Ben wanted to go to Prom with her, but she had asked him anyways. He looked kind of sad for a second, and then she asked why. “I wanted to ask you.” He said. 

“Oh,” She said, the two of them fidgeted a little. Rey smiled a little, “Well then let’s redo this.” She said. The both of them were walking back home, hand in hand. They were silent for a second before Ben turned to her and said,

“Rey?”

“Yeah?” She looked up at him, eyes wide. 

“I was wondering if you would go to prom with me?” Rey jumped up and down. 

“Yes! I already picked out a dress and thought that maybe we could go out for food just the two of us afterwards.” Ben giggled, and Rey giggled too. There was some sort of euphoria that came with asking someone to the prom, even if it was overrated in a way. “Maybe we could go get some food after.” She wrapped her arm around his, getting closer. She was beaming, and Ben still didn’t know to function when she did that. 

“Can’t wait.” 

***

They didn’t end up staying. Ben was sitting on the hood of their car together, eating pizza. “I’m sorry.” He said. 

“It’s fine.” Rey said. 

“You wanted to go.” 

“It wasn’t your fault.” She picked a pepperoni off of her pizza. “Hux is a dick.” 

“Still, I’m sorry.” 

“I’m not mad, Ben. I’m serious.” She had raised her voice then, and he looked down a little. “I, sorry. Listen. I’m just tired okay, but I’m serious. I’m not mad at you.” 

“Okay.” He said. He put his head down on her shoulder, closing his eyes. “I’m still sorry.” 

***

When Rey and Ben had gone to prom, Rey already knew that something was going to happen. Hux had made himself known as that asshole who pranked people he didn’t like at prom, so she kept Ben closer. It had been successful at first. They had danced to a few songs, swayed to a slow number, and then when Rey had followed Ben to the punch bowl, it happened. Hux approached him. Rey didn’t hear what he said, but she saw the aftermath. Ben turned from the punch bowl, towards Rey, and Hux pushed him. Ben turned around, throwing the punch in Hux’s face, and a fight broke out. 

***

“Do you think I’m going to get in trouble?”

“No,” She said. “You’ll be fine. I’ll tell the principal what happened. You have to tell me what he said to me though.” Ben shook his head no. “Ben, you know you can tell me anything. Right?” He was silent. “Fine. Do you want more pizza?” 

“It’s stupid.” 

“Ben, it’s not stupid.” 

“He asked me how much money I had to pay you for you to start dating me.” Rey felt anger swell inside her chest as that sentence settled in. “Then told me to kill myself before I gave you an STD.” Rey bit her lip, thinking about everything she could do to Hux at this point. She was suddenly glad that she had a change of clothes in the car. “I’m so sorry that I ruined prom.” He said. “You look so beautiful.” Rey had taken pains to make sure that she’d looked good for Ben. She was the only girl at the dance wearing red, her hair going down her back in a french braid.  Rey hiked the skirt of her dress up as she got up off the car. “What are you doing?” 

“Changing.” She said. “And then we’re going to buy some Nair.” Ben blinked rapidly, not knowing what to do. “Can you help me with my zipper?” He stayed frozen to the hood of the car. “Ben, I'm your girlfriend, you have permission to see me naked.” He got up off the car hood then and helped her with her zipper. She shed her dress and went to get her clothes out of the back seat. 

It was kind of cute when she saw him looking at her. There was a mix of awe and hunger in his eyes as he watched her get dressed. “You're beautiful.” When she put a pair of converse on, she made a step towards him, planting a kiss on his cheek before getting back in the car. Ben followed. “What do we need Nair for?” 

“I’m putting Nair in Hux’s shampoo.” She said. 

“Rey,”

“What?”

“We don’t have to do this.”

“He's been bothering you since freshman year, don’t you want to get back at him?” She could tell from the look in his eyes that he wanted to get back at Hux, and badly too.

“Okay but how are we going to get access to his shampoo?”

“Hux will still be out partying and his father doesn’t get home until late. I break into his room and go put the Nair in his shampoo and then we make a fucking break for it. That simple.”

“You sure?”

“I’m sure.”

“His dad is like a bigwig lawyer isn’t he?” 

“Yeah, so?”

“What if Hux tells him what you did and then he tries to get the school to punish you?” Rey went silent. He had a point. “So if we do get back at him, maybe it should be something a little more...subtle.”

“Key his car?”

“Subtler.”

Rey was silent for a minute, thinking. “I know what to do.” She said. The way she said it was a little more ominous than she intended it to be. 

***

The next day Hux came to school, everyone was whispering about something. Ben didn't expect to witness a full blown argument in the hallway. A tall blonde approached him. The talk was hushed at first, but then the blonde exploded. “You can’t just show your dick to her like that!” 

“I didn't.”

“She showed me a picture. You want to know how I knew it was yours? Because it was small.” Ben had to keep himself from bursting out laughing. 

“Phas-”

“I'm done with you. Fuck off, Hux.” He knew what she'd done. This was her way of helping Ben get back at Hux. Ben caught Rey's eye from across the hallway. She was smiling.


	15. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this is Carina. I just want to say I have left the reylo fandom for multiple reasons and I don't ever have plans of going back. Not only do I feel underappreciated in the fandom, but a mixture of mental health, other priorities, and not wanting to deal with the constant unpleasant discourse that has made this fandom completely disgusting. It's just annoying. This fandom is annoying, and since I decided to leave this fandom I have been having a lot more fun working on original stuff. Not that anyone cares, but this is the last chapter and the last Reylo thing I will ever write.

**the present**

  
  


Rey knew that eventually she would have to get up, even though she didn't want to. Ben was hugging onto her and she didn't want to wake him. The room smelled like apple pie and the covers were warm. For a while she sat there in bed, thinking of everything that had led to the both of them being together today, and she realized that she wouldn't have changed it for the world. There were very few times where Rey had thought that all the pain that she had gone through would lead to her living the life that she wanted to live, but she knew now that it did. After both Rey and Ben got up, they got dressed and started to head out.

  
  


Today was Comic Con, which was a fun experience for Rey each year, but she knew that part of Ben hated it. He felt like he was awkward when answering questions about their projects and what they were doing, no matter how hard she tried to assure him that he was doing just fine. They had a panel at one and a panel at three and signings. Ben seemed more nervous than he usually was.

  
  


"You okay?"

  
  


"Huh? Yeah,"

  
  


"Good."

  
  


The car ride was mostly silent as soft music played over the speakers. Ben was staring absent mindedly out the window, fumbling with something in his pocket. Rey decided not to think about it. They were there to promote the film adaption of their comic, which Ben had directed and Rey had written.

  
  


The amount of cosplayers that were there dressed as some of their characters was ridiculous, and Rey had to stop by and take pictures with a large portion of them.

  
  


The panel went well, for the most part. It was the typical panel that went on for this sort of thing, until right before the first trailer was dropped. One last kid had a question, one for Ben. "Hi. I just wanted to say that I enjoy yours and Rey's work a lot, and I really look up to you guys. I was wondering if either of you has had to deal with people bullying you and what you would do to deal with that?" Rey looked to Ben and put a hand over his as he thought about how to answer that.

  
  


"That's a good question," he said. "Is someone bullying you?" The kid nodded. "I'm sorry to hear that. To be honest, for all of my life I had been bullied by people, told I'm not good enough, pushed, I got into fights and for the longest time I believed people when they told me that I would never amount to anything. Then I met Rey and she taught me that no matter what people say to you, you should always keep following your own path and what you think is the best for you. And I know that seems like stupid advice or whatever but it's the truth. Those bullies are not going to stay in your life and you are going to be so much more successful than any of them. I promise you that." Rey was trying not to cry.

  
  


"Wow that was really nice," one of the other panelists said.

  
  


People laughed a little and then the trailer reeled. Ben and Rey sat back as the both of them watched the crowds go silent, and them explode. "You did it." Rey told him. "I love you."

  
  


"I love you too," he said. Rey felt a small box press into her hand. "Marry me?"

  
  


"Of course."

 

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Emily is away


End file.
